I went on a few really cool dates with a really cool guy but unfortunately I didn't feel any chemistry. So I had to be the jerk who says "I'm sorry. I like you and you're so nice but I don't feel a romantic connection. I'm very sorry." He was exceedingly nice about it, because he's an exceedingly nice person. And later he told me "You are an amazing, wonderful woman. Don't let anyone, or yourself, tell you otherwise." I can only hope that if the situation were reversed I would have reacted with as much magnanimity.
And all I could think was, wow, people are extraordinary. And surprising. In all the very best ways. I feel lucky to have met everyone that has come into my life.
If, as my old roommate Jeff posited in 2005, I am a robot fueled by sugar and sent from space to learn about the human race, I couldn't have picked a better subject.
*Because Jean Luc Picard's voiceover "Captain's Logs" were my favorite part of StarTrek: The Next Generation.
Lyric of the moment: "And after that the floodgates opened up, and I fell in love with everyone I saw..." (I got excited that, for once, the radio was playing a Snow Patrol song other than Chasing Cars. And because it's one of my favorites.)
From Robot With Love
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Life is funny
Life has an infuriatingly fantastic sense of humor. Sometimes Life gives me what I wished for and then I realize it's not what I want after all. Or maybe I'm too messed up to accept it. There are too many signs and I don't know how to read any of them.
The thing that Life keeps trying to teach me and I keep failing to learn is that happiness is not in wanting things to be a certain way and in seeing those things come to fruition but in recognizing the inherent happiness wherever I happen to be and trusting that things will work out in time. Which is very easy to say and incredibly hard to do.
It's exquisite really, the way we can torture ourselves by wanting something so very badly that we currently lack, convincing ourselves that there's something wrong with us because other people have it and we don't. I don't want to play that game.
I know that I am notoriously bad at predicting my own reaction to future events, that my head and my heart aren't always on the same page, that sometimes I don't know what I want until I see it and that other times I am completely oblivious to the obvious. I know that certain things may not happen for me and I will have to find a way to be ok with that. I know that I will always be awkward and weird.
I know that Life is funny. I don't understand its method but I appreciate the humor.
Lyric of the moment: "Call it surrender but you know that that's a joke. And the punchline is you were never actually in control. But still, surrender anyway. Tell me what you said you'd never do. Tell me what you said you'd never say. Read me off that list of things 'cause I used to not like you but now I think you're OK..."
The thing that Life keeps trying to teach me and I keep failing to learn is that happiness is not in wanting things to be a certain way and in seeing those things come to fruition but in recognizing the inherent happiness wherever I happen to be and trusting that things will work out in time. Which is very easy to say and incredibly hard to do.
It's exquisite really, the way we can torture ourselves by wanting something so very badly that we currently lack, convincing ourselves that there's something wrong with us because other people have it and we don't. I don't want to play that game.
I know that I am notoriously bad at predicting my own reaction to future events, that my head and my heart aren't always on the same page, that sometimes I don't know what I want until I see it and that other times I am completely oblivious to the obvious. I know that certain things may not happen for me and I will have to find a way to be ok with that. I know that I will always be awkward and weird.
I know that Life is funny. I don't understand its method but I appreciate the humor.
Lyric of the moment: "Call it surrender but you know that that's a joke. And the punchline is you were never actually in control. But still, surrender anyway. Tell me what you said you'd never do. Tell me what you said you'd never say. Read me off that list of things 'cause I used to not like you but now I think you're OK..."
Sunday, September 16, 2012
This time
Sometimes I think this time is going to be different, I am going to be different. But how much can a person really change? Despite my best intentions, the reality is that I'm probably not going to go grocery shopping. I'm probably always going to have doubts about everything. I'm probably always going to be suspicious of the things that come easy and keep fighting for the things that are challenging, as if I don't deserve something unless it has taken all my effort to get there. Sometimes I wonder if I am incapable of making decisions that are good for me.
The only thing that saves me is that I am incredibly lucky. Evidently someone somewhere is looking out for me, even if I'm not doing it myself.
Thank you to whoever brought back the little fence that went missing from my front yard, even if...no, especially if it was the person who took it in the first place.
Lyric of the moment: "And if you're paralyzed by a voice in your head, it's the standing still that should be scaring you instead. Go on and do it anyway..."
The only thing that saves me is that I am incredibly lucky. Evidently someone somewhere is looking out for me, even if I'm not doing it myself.
Thank you to whoever brought back the little fence that went missing from my front yard, even if...no, especially if it was the person who took it in the first place.
Lyric of the moment: "And if you're paralyzed by a voice in your head, it's the standing still that should be scaring you instead. Go on and do it anyway..."
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Seemingly contradictory things
The thing about life, and especially about love, is that sometimes seemingly contradictory things can both be true. A good person can do a bad thing. You can love someone you don't like and like someone you don't love. Someone may think that you are amazing - attractive, kind, intelligent, all that good stuff - and not be the right person for you. Or be the right person for a short time but not forever. It's possible to feel simultaneously wistful yet content, nervous yet hopeful, a sense of loss but also of wonder. Sometimes the best way to love someone is to let go. When you love new people, it doesn't crowd out the ones you loved before - somehow the heart has an infinite capacity to expand.
The thing about life, and especially about love, is that it is heartbreakingly beautiful and overwhelmingly amazing.
Lyric of the moment: "There are places I remember all my life, though some have changed. Some forever not for better. Some have gone and some remain. All these places have their moments with lovers and friends I still can recall. Some are dead and some are living. In my life I've loved them all..." (Because it will always be one of my favorites.)
The thing about life, and especially about love, is that it is heartbreakingly beautiful and overwhelmingly amazing.
Lyric of the moment: "There are places I remember all my life, though some have changed. Some forever not for better. Some have gone and some remain. All these places have their moments with lovers and friends I still can recall. Some are dead and some are living. In my life I've loved them all..." (Because it will always be one of my favorites.)
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Because maybe there is some hope for me yet
There's an episode of The Simpsons where Homer tells Bart "You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is never try." And it's funny. But it's also tempting to think like that sometimes. When I try my best but don't get the results I was hoping for or when I put all my effort into something that doesn't work out, it's tempting to think that it was all a waste of time. But it all depends on how I look at it. If I really think about it, every run has made me stronger in some way, whether or not it was fast or felt good and every relationship has made me wiser in some way, regardless of how long it lasted. I can take something positive away from every experience, if I choose to do so. The lesson is not never try, it's keep trying. The only true defeat is in giving up or becoming bitter.
I went to physical therapy yesterday morning and there was a sign on the wall that said "There are two ways of meeting difficulties. You alter the difficulties or you alter yourself to meet them." There are some difficulties that can't be altered, but there is usually a way to alter myself or at least alter the way I perceive/think about them.
And then I found myself at Starry Nights on a starry night and a homeless woman asked us for $2, which we gave her, then she came back and asked for more money because she spent the $2 on lottery tickets, then the homeless guy who tells racist jokes came over on his bike, did his stand up routine and asked us for money, so we gave him $10 and he blessed us and told us to "Keep laughing" and "Take care of each other" and then we figured we should call it a night before we gave all our money away to everyone in Rochester and then he said "You are pretty fantastic" and I thought, just for a second, that maybe there is some hope for me yet.
Things that are ridiculous: mosquitoes now love me so much they are biting me on the face.
Lyric of the moment: "You'll be loved, you'll be loved like you never have known. And the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams. Just a series of blurs, like I never occurred. Someday you will be loved. You may feel alone when you're falling asleep, and every time tears roll down your cheeks. But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet. Someday you will be loved..." (Because I hope Death Cab For Cutie is right)
I went to physical therapy yesterday morning and there was a sign on the wall that said "There are two ways of meeting difficulties. You alter the difficulties or you alter yourself to meet them." There are some difficulties that can't be altered, but there is usually a way to alter myself or at least alter the way I perceive/think about them.
And then I found myself at Starry Nights on a starry night and a homeless woman asked us for $2, which we gave her, then she came back and asked for more money because she spent the $2 on lottery tickets, then the homeless guy who tells racist jokes came over on his bike, did his stand up routine and asked us for money, so we gave him $10 and he blessed us and told us to "Keep laughing" and "Take care of each other" and then we figured we should call it a night before we gave all our money away to everyone in Rochester and then he said "You are pretty fantastic" and I thought, just for a second, that maybe there is some hope for me yet.
Things that are ridiculous: mosquitoes now love me so much they are biting me on the face.
Lyric of the moment: "You'll be loved, you'll be loved like you never have known. And the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams. Just a series of blurs, like I never occurred. Someday you will be loved. You may feel alone when you're falling asleep, and every time tears roll down your cheeks. But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet. Someday you will be loved..." (Because I hope Death Cab For Cutie is right)
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Right here, right now, there is no other place I'd rather be
One day I got an email from Adam asking if I wanted to go to the Metric concert, to which I replied "Yes, definitely!" (because when awesomeness calls, that is the only answer). And then we were waiting in line and a random guy on a bike, who actually looked like Rodney Dangerfield started doing his Rodney Dangerfield impersonation and it was hilarious. And then I said I probably wouldn't know anyone else at the concert, but it turned out that the Zarcones were there too. And then it was crowded and hot and smelled like sweat and I kept waiting for the part where my brain would be all "What are you doing here? You're not a concert person. You don't stay up late. You hate crowds." and where my body would get all restless and want to run away. But it never happened. I was happy, content to be exactly where I was with whatever was happening around me.
And I thought this is how I want to feel all the time. Like wherever I am at that moment, there is no other place I'd rather be. Maybe I just need more reasons to stay up late. Maybe that feeling I thought was sadness was actually relief.
***
The reason I find meeting new people uncomfortable is that it seems rife with potential disappointment. Either people aren't interested in me or I'm not interested in them, but either way I feel like I am letting them down. I actually prefer the former to the latter. I can totally accept that some people won't like me for whatever reason. But I don't like being the one who doesn't like someone else enough, in the way that they want you to like them.
***
I read this article the other day and it made me feel like a real jerk. Here I am giving my body shit for its tendonitis and cellulite and all the parts I think are ugly when I should be thanking my muscles for not turning to bone overnight and thanking my blood for not being full of ammonia and just generally being over the moon with gratitude that I am even alive at all. It's a slow process, but I'm working on it.
Hopefully someday I will finally outgrow this awkward phase. Hopefully someday I will wake up in my body and realize there is no other place I'd rather be.
Lyric of the moment: "Now you see life, these colors shimmering around you. You must decide to risk your heart for love to find you..."
And I thought this is how I want to feel all the time. Like wherever I am at that moment, there is no other place I'd rather be. Maybe I just need more reasons to stay up late. Maybe that feeling I thought was sadness was actually relief.
***
The reason I find meeting new people uncomfortable is that it seems rife with potential disappointment. Either people aren't interested in me or I'm not interested in them, but either way I feel like I am letting them down. I actually prefer the former to the latter. I can totally accept that some people won't like me for whatever reason. But I don't like being the one who doesn't like someone else enough, in the way that they want you to like them.
***
I read this article the other day and it made me feel like a real jerk. Here I am giving my body shit for its tendonitis and cellulite and all the parts I think are ugly when I should be thanking my muscles for not turning to bone overnight and thanking my blood for not being full of ammonia and just generally being over the moon with gratitude that I am even alive at all. It's a slow process, but I'm working on it.
Hopefully someday I will finally outgrow this awkward phase. Hopefully someday I will wake up in my body and realize there is no other place I'd rather be.
Lyric of the moment: "Now you see life, these colors shimmering around you. You must decide to risk your heart for love to find you..."
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Destination unknown
I saw a bumper sticker that said "I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?" I feel like that sometimes. But the truth is that everyone's destination is unknown.
They say there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I don't want a bunch of fish. I want a peanut butter and banana sandwich.
I feel like I have options, but they're not ones that I want. I could swim, bike, row, go to yoga, walk. They're all perfectly nice activities and enjoyable on occasion. But all I want to do is run. Even though I know I'll get about 3 miles in and it will start to hurt, I want to do it anyways. I don't want a lot of options, just one option that I really, really love.
I tried to give up. I tried to let go. But my heart is unruly and never listens to me. And the only thing my brain likes more than glucose is hope. One doctor told me tendonitis takes 3-6 months to heal. So I keep thinking maybe today is the day I'm going to wake up and it will be all better. But I don't feel better. I feel worse for being fooled by my own stupid optimism.
The thing is that I would be okay with all of this if I knew that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, that someday my future self, looking back from my new residence in Awesometown, would see how it all made sense. I'm hoping that perhaps there is a cosmic reason to be here. But I'm secretly afraid that is is all for naught.
On the bright side (perhaps I should attend some kind of Optimists Anonymous meeting), I'm getting to do a lot of things I wouldn't have been able to otherwise. I watched hot air balloons take off at the Dansville Balloon Festival, I'm going to the Metric concert and a hot potato party this week and on a camping adventure later this month. I signed up for rock climbing lessons at the end of September and a beginner Spanish class in October. I found a pair of jeans that fit perfectly and only cost $3.27 (and if that is possible, I have to believe anything is).
I haven't been able to give up hope or effort, but I'm having better luck letting go of control. So I'm up in my metaphorical hot air balloon going where the wind takes me and and accepting whatever invitations come my way.
Lyric of the moment: "The trouble it might drag you down. If you get lost, you can always be found. Just know you’re not alone 'cause I’m going to make this place your home..."
They say there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I don't want a bunch of fish. I want a peanut butter and banana sandwich.
I feel like I have options, but they're not ones that I want. I could swim, bike, row, go to yoga, walk. They're all perfectly nice activities and enjoyable on occasion. But all I want to do is run. Even though I know I'll get about 3 miles in and it will start to hurt, I want to do it anyways. I don't want a lot of options, just one option that I really, really love.
I tried to give up. I tried to let go. But my heart is unruly and never listens to me. And the only thing my brain likes more than glucose is hope. One doctor told me tendonitis takes 3-6 months to heal. So I keep thinking maybe today is the day I'm going to wake up and it will be all better. But I don't feel better. I feel worse for being fooled by my own stupid optimism.
The thing is that I would be okay with all of this if I knew that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, that someday my future self, looking back from my new residence in Awesometown, would see how it all made sense. I'm hoping that perhaps there is a cosmic reason to be here. But I'm secretly afraid that is is all for naught.
On the bright side (perhaps I should attend some kind of Optimists Anonymous meeting), I'm getting to do a lot of things I wouldn't have been able to otherwise. I watched hot air balloons take off at the Dansville Balloon Festival, I'm going to the Metric concert and a hot potato party this week and on a camping adventure later this month. I signed up for rock climbing lessons at the end of September and a beginner Spanish class in October. I found a pair of jeans that fit perfectly and only cost $3.27 (and if that is possible, I have to believe anything is).
I haven't been able to give up hope or effort, but I'm having better luck letting go of control. So I'm up in my metaphorical hot air balloon going where the wind takes me and and accepting whatever invitations come my way.
Lyric of the moment: "The trouble it might drag you down. If you get lost, you can always be found. Just know you’re not alone 'cause I’m going to make this place your home..."
Friday, August 31, 2012
Embarrassingly true things
Reflecting on past relationships, I noticed that their demises were usually preceded by me finally standing up for myself and expressing what I wanted or needed. I didn't want to live with an alcoholic. I couldn't tolerate cheating. I wanted passion, not just friendship. I needed support/affection/help around the house while I was going through a difficult time. Was I asking for too much? Are these terribly unreasonable desires? It took me a while to say those things because I was afraid. That I wasn't good enough. That I didn't have anything to offer. That no one else would like me so I couldn't be greedy and ask for what I wanted.
So there it is, all the embarrassingly true crap from the ridiculous relationships of robot.*
T.E. told me that I have all the skills I need to be in a great relationship and he would tell me if there was something I needed to work on. But I don't know if that's true. Clearly what I've been doing hasn't worked out for me. So maybe it's time for a different perspective.
If I'm ever in another relationship, I'd like to feel safe to express my feelings without negative repercussions and I'd like to feel heard and understood. That has to be the deciding factor for me. If someone can't acknowledge and accept that my thoughts and feelings are valid too, then I have to walk away. If someone isn't willing to invest as much effort as I am into creating a happy and healthy life, then I have to say so long and on to the next one.
I'd like to think that out of the billions of people in the world there are at least a few who could feel as lucky to know me as I feel to know them. But I'm making peace with the possibility that it may never happen for me. Maybe I won't find what I'm looking for, maybe I don't even know what I'm looking for, maybe something completely different will find me instead.
I've learned a lot from the past. I'm thankful for every experience because it made me who I am today and I'm looking forward to the new experiences that will make me who I will become. But it's time to let go of everything I've been holding on to so that I can be truly open to what's next.
*I wrote this because I needed to get it out and let it go. Sometimes I think I shouldn't say certain things here where anyone can read them. What if they think I'm crazy or weird or a terrible, awful person? But then I thought that's not what this is about. It's not about what other people think of me. It's about my life, what I do and what I love, how I feel and what I learn, the stumbles and victories, the sweetness and the suckiness. It's honest and it's real.
Lyric of the moment: "Hold my head inside your hands. I need someone who understands. I need someone, someone who hears. For you, I've waited all these years. For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come. Until my day, my day is done. And say you'll come, and set me free. Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me..."
So there it is, all the embarrassingly true crap from the ridiculous relationships of robot.*
T.E. told me that I have all the skills I need to be in a great relationship and he would tell me if there was something I needed to work on. But I don't know if that's true. Clearly what I've been doing hasn't worked out for me. So maybe it's time for a different perspective.
If I'm ever in another relationship, I'd like to feel safe to express my feelings without negative repercussions and I'd like to feel heard and understood. That has to be the deciding factor for me. If someone can't acknowledge and accept that my thoughts and feelings are valid too, then I have to walk away. If someone isn't willing to invest as much effort as I am into creating a happy and healthy life, then I have to say so long and on to the next one.
I'd like to think that out of the billions of people in the world there are at least a few who could feel as lucky to know me as I feel to know them. But I'm making peace with the possibility that it may never happen for me. Maybe I won't find what I'm looking for, maybe I don't even know what I'm looking for, maybe something completely different will find me instead.
I've learned a lot from the past. I'm thankful for every experience because it made me who I am today and I'm looking forward to the new experiences that will make me who I will become. But it's time to let go of everything I've been holding on to so that I can be truly open to what's next.
*I wrote this because I needed to get it out and let it go. Sometimes I think I shouldn't say certain things here where anyone can read them. What if they think I'm crazy or weird or a terrible, awful person? But then I thought that's not what this is about. It's not about what other people think of me. It's about my life, what I do and what I love, how I feel and what I learn, the stumbles and victories, the sweetness and the suckiness. It's honest and it's real.
Lyric of the moment: "Hold my head inside your hands. I need someone who understands. I need someone, someone who hears. For you, I've waited all these years. For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come. Until my day, my day is done. And say you'll come, and set me free. Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me..."
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
How it's supposed to be
Someone said to me "It will work out how it's supposed to." I believe life does have a tendency to do that. But I also believe in being an active participant in your own life. Even if you're "supposed to" be a doctor, you still have to go to medical school. Even if you're "supposed to" be with someone, that person is not going to just show up at your door and say "Hey, I heard we're supposed to be together. So let's get it on." If you sit around simply waiting for the things that are supposed to happen to you, you may be waiting a very long time.
Sometimes I get little glimpses of insight, little hints that seem to be pointing me in the direction of "supposed to." They're the ideas that pop into my head, from who knows where, the ones that for whatever reason I just can't shake. And if I focus my attention and effort on those ideas, things don't always work out how I expected or how I hoped, but usually there is much awesomeness to be found. I believe that effort is its own reward. I'll admit that sometimes my efforts are misplaced, sometimes I fail to realize that I am fighting for a lost cause. But I'd rather go down fighting than give up too soon. I'd rather show up and give my all to my one and only life. Sometimes I get lost, sometimes I make mistakes. But I like to think that those things are supposed to happen too.
I don't know how it's supposed to be. All I know is that I'm going to keep putting in the effort. In good times and bad times, if you love me or hate me. I'm going to keep giving my best and trying to be a better person.
Lyric of the moment: "She runs up into the light surprised. Her arms are open. Her mind's eye is seeing things from a clearer side than most can dream. On a better road I feel. So you could say she's safe. Whatever tears at her, whatever holds her down. And if nothing can be done she'll make the best of what's around..."
Sometimes I get little glimpses of insight, little hints that seem to be pointing me in the direction of "supposed to." They're the ideas that pop into my head, from who knows where, the ones that for whatever reason I just can't shake. And if I focus my attention and effort on those ideas, things don't always work out how I expected or how I hoped, but usually there is much awesomeness to be found. I believe that effort is its own reward. I'll admit that sometimes my efforts are misplaced, sometimes I fail to realize that I am fighting for a lost cause. But I'd rather go down fighting than give up too soon. I'd rather show up and give my all to my one and only life. Sometimes I get lost, sometimes I make mistakes. But I like to think that those things are supposed to happen too.
I don't know how it's supposed to be. All I know is that I'm going to keep putting in the effort. In good times and bad times, if you love me or hate me. I'm going to keep giving my best and trying to be a better person.
Lyric of the moment: "She runs up into the light surprised. Her arms are open. Her mind's eye is seeing things from a clearer side than most can dream. On a better road I feel. So you could say she's safe. Whatever tears at her, whatever holds her down. And if nothing can be done she'll make the best of what's around..."
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Dear whoever is in charge of these things:
What is the deal with life, man? A lot of it doesn't make any sense. Until sometimes I look back and everything makes hilariously, ridiculously, unexpectedly perfect sense. Though I can never see it when I'm actually in it. Like now. They always gloss over this part in movies. Everyone wants to see the before and after, but everything in between is reduced to a 2 minute montage set to an emotionally evocative soundtrack. Sometimes I wish I could fast forward over these times myself so I could get to the good stuff. But it's here amidst the hard stuff where the real transformation occurs. It's the process of going through all that and putting in the necessary effort that leads to the good stuff.
Whenever I've reached a point where I didn't know what to do next, I did the thing I was most afraid to do. That's how I ended up leaving grad school, taking a totally random job at this weird and crazy and amazing place, moving in with the strangers who would become my roommates for several years, buying a house, running a marathon (and meeting some kick ass people along the way), letting go of something that was good but not great, falling in love - so basically, all the very best things I've done. So now I'm facing my current fears. That of being alone (and trying to believe that being single doesn't imply that I'm horribly ugly or fundamentally unlovable or fated to die alone). And that of putting myself out there and being open to whatever happens, despite a very real risk of failure, rejection or heartache.
So if my life were a movie, the montage would look something like this: taking a road trip to visit Emelyn and Jeff in Pittsburgh, playing mini-golf and eating ice cream, walking through Highland Park, sitting in coffee shops reading (where elderly people shake my hand and tell me they like my sandals when I hold the door open for them or they ask me to watch their purse while they go to the bathroom. Evidently I am a hit with the AARP crowd), going kayaking (and getting hissed at by angry swans), reading, going to the gym, listening to Bill's "pep talks" (as he keeps coming in to my office to hand me random $10 and $20 bills and saying "I just want things to go well for you, kid" and bringing me 2 bike locks and half a dozen slips of paper with combinations written on them and asking me which combination goes with which lock), going on a family trip to visit TJ in Boston. And I think probably Aimee Mann's 'Today's the Day' or Rachel Yamagata's 'Reason Why' would be playing in the background.
But still, President of Life or Fate/Destiny or whoever you are, maybe you could see it in your heart to send me a little clue, or a bit of help or some kind of sign pointing me in the right direction. Or one of those moments that changes my whole life for the better, only I don't know it at the time. Or maybe just enough hugs and cookies to get me wherever it is I'm supposed to be.
From Robot, with love.
Lyric of the moment: "I've been trying to do it right. I've been living a lonely life. I've been sleeping here instead. I've been sleeping in my bed. So show me family. All the blood that I would bleed. I don't know where I belong. I don't know where I went wrong. But I can write a song..."
Whenever I've reached a point where I didn't know what to do next, I did the thing I was most afraid to do. That's how I ended up leaving grad school, taking a totally random job at this weird and crazy and amazing place, moving in with the strangers who would become my roommates for several years, buying a house, running a marathon (and meeting some kick ass people along the way), letting go of something that was good but not great, falling in love - so basically, all the very best things I've done. So now I'm facing my current fears. That of being alone (and trying to believe that being single doesn't imply that I'm horribly ugly or fundamentally unlovable or fated to die alone). And that of putting myself out there and being open to whatever happens, despite a very real risk of failure, rejection or heartache.
So if my life were a movie, the montage would look something like this: taking a road trip to visit Emelyn and Jeff in Pittsburgh, playing mini-golf and eating ice cream, walking through Highland Park, sitting in coffee shops reading (where elderly people shake my hand and tell me they like my sandals when I hold the door open for them or they ask me to watch their purse while they go to the bathroom. Evidently I am a hit with the AARP crowd), going kayaking (and getting hissed at by angry swans), reading, going to the gym, listening to Bill's "pep talks" (as he keeps coming in to my office to hand me random $10 and $20 bills and saying "I just want things to go well for you, kid" and bringing me 2 bike locks and half a dozen slips of paper with combinations written on them and asking me which combination goes with which lock), going on a family trip to visit TJ in Boston. And I think probably Aimee Mann's 'Today's the Day' or Rachel Yamagata's 'Reason Why' would be playing in the background.
But still, President of Life or Fate/Destiny or whoever you are, maybe you could see it in your heart to send me a little clue, or a bit of help or some kind of sign pointing me in the right direction. Or one of those moments that changes my whole life for the better, only I don't know it at the time. Or maybe just enough hugs and cookies to get me wherever it is I'm supposed to be.
From Robot, with love.
Lyric of the moment: "I've been trying to do it right. I've been living a lonely life. I've been sleeping here instead. I've been sleeping in my bed. So show me family. All the blood that I would bleed. I don't know where I belong. I don't know where I went wrong. But I can write a song..."
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