Things that always make me feel better about everything

No doubt, life is awesome. But sometimes things can get a bit confusing, nerve-wracking, sad or disappointing. During those less than stellar moments, these are some of the things that always make me feel better about everything:

• Motion. Running is the closest thing to a panacea I've ever found. But yoga, Fit1, bike riding (especially with no hands), swimming, hiking or anything else that gets me moving will do the trick. The point is to move my body in some way that makes me feel strong and capable and then tired.

• Sleep. The occasional nap or super early bedtime can be just the thing I need to recharge. The secret to good sleep is comfort (enough space on the bed to stretch out, the perfect temperature, soft and snuggly blankets, as many pillows as you need for head resting or for hugging or for that space between your knees when you're side sleeping) and earplugs.

•  Perspective. When I feel lost or like I don't have any idea what I'm doing with my life, I like to go to the top of Cobb's Hill or to the top of that castle wall at Durand. It's nice to feel like I'm on top of something, even if it's only literally.

• Hugs. There are very few things that can't be improved by a quality hug. None of that bend-at-the-waist-arms-barely-touching shit some people try to pass off as a hug. No, I'm talking about an actual full-on embrace, getting all up in there for a legit amount of time. Bonus points for the running hug or the lift-up-and-spin-around hug.

• Magic. I have a tendency to get stuck in my own head. But all it takes to get unstuck is just opening my eyes to the everyday magic around me: the colors in the sky at dawn and dusk, a funny sign, that clean laundry smell, a cloud that looks like a polar bear, art in unexpected places (like murals on old buildings or fancy hot beverages with intricately shaped foam), reading the exact right words at the exact right time, randomly hearing a song that I love, weird conversations, really good dessert.

Pain is temporary. Sadness is temporary. Awesomeness is forever.

Lyric of the moment: "I fall in love just a little ol' little bit, every day with someone new. I fall in love just a little ol' little bit, every day. In love with every stranger, the stranger the better..." ~Hozier "Someone New"

Currently

Currently thinking: About a dream I had last night in which my foot was broken. It wasn't one of those dreams where you know it's a dream because you're flying around and doing cool shit you can't do in real life. It was one of those dreams that tricks you into thinking it's real. In waking life, my left foot has been a little achy lately. Nothing serious, it just complains occasionally and then goes back to being fine. But evidently I am worried about it all up in my subconscious or something. In the dream, I woke up (Weird, huh? That confused me too. Was I dreaming while I was dream sleeping? Like a dream within a dream? This is what happens when you don't eat dessert before bed). Anyway, I woke up (in the dream) and my left foot was all bruised and mangled and horrible looking and the doctor told me it was broken and I was all "But, like, it'll be better by Saturday, right? I can still run Water Gap?" Well something is definitely broken. Thank goodness it's only my sanity and not my foot.

Currently wearing: Lavender skinny jeans and a long sleeve T-shirt that has foxes and mountains on it. Because my only sartorial ambition is to feel like I'm living the dream just by getting dressed.

Currently loving: (1) This weather and the whole not entirely warm / not entirely cool / slightly windy / a tad, but not too rainy / leaves whirling by thing it's got going on. Like it can't decide how it wants to be. Weather, I can relate. I've had days like that myself, dude. (2) This guy who called at work today and said "Sorry if I'm out of breath, I'm running to work." And I said "Like, literally running to work?" And he said "Yes, it's my favorite way to commute."

Currently impatient, yet also not quite ready for: My new ID documents to arrive in the mail and the move to our new house. I want to relish my last days of being JP and living in the House of Robot and being Danielle's roommate. I have always wanted to go everywhere, but now there are also quite a few places I want to stay.

Currently mad at: Pumpernickel bread. For looking like it should taste like chocolate. But tasting decidedly not chocolately.

Lyric of the moment: "Let me assure you friend: every day is ice cream and chocolate cake. And what you make of it. Let me say: you get what you take from it. So be amazed. And never stop, never stop, never stop. You gotta be brave..." ~The Weepies "All This Beauty" (Because it's one of my favs. And so, so true.)

It's going to hurt. It's going to be awesome.

Someone once asked me "Why do you keep doing these races if they make you so anxious?" Because in the days leading up to a race or an adventure or a major life event, I tend to have these mini crises of faith. The Worries, Doubts and Fears gang up on me with their what if you don't have what it takes? and what if you fail? and what if you're not good enough? They dredge up my past mistakes and my flaws and confront me with this irrefutable evidence of my own fallibility, thinking that it will defeat me. But it won't. Quite the opposite actually. It will only make me stronger. Life is like a roller coaster: it's both the highs and the lows that make the experience. So the point is not to avoid worry and fear. It is to feel them. And to keep going anyway.  The point is to dare mighty (and at times mightily foolish) things, to push myself into the stratosphere of discomfort and by doing so, to learn and grow and become boundless.

Because here are the truths, as I know them, about racing and life:

• It's going to hurt. This is inevitable, but in a way it is also a good omen. If nothing ever hurts, you're not taking enough risks and you won't find out just how strong you are and how far you can go. That being said, if it hurts too much, this is a sign to pause, reevaluate, and find a better way forward.

• It's going to be awesome. You have been called to this great adventure in the woods. And to the ultimate adventure that is life. You have what it takes. Of course you do. Because you're here. You took the chances, you put in the effort. You know you could fall and you are okay with that. Because you know it doesn't matter how many times you fall, only that you keep getting back up. Whatever happens here, you will be better for having experienced it.

What to pack:

• Perseverance
• Love
• Sense of humor
• Snacks
• Awesome socks

What to leave behind:

• Ego
• Expectations
• Attachment to the outcome
• The past
• Naysayers

Lyric of the moment: "You've got a face not spoiled by beauty. I have some scars from where I've been. You've got eyes that can see right through me. You're not afraid of anything they've seen...There is a light you can always see. And there is a world we can always be. There is a dark within and without. And there is a light, don't let it go out..." ~U2 "Song for Someone"

In transition

It is a time of great transition. Everything is strange and surreal and really quite stellar. The name change is still processing so I am currently half Pratt, half Lacey. Sometimes I forget and sign the wrong name. I am living somewhere in between my house and Pete's house and the trails and our future house. Next month we will officially own three houses. That is like a tiny empire. I don't even really believe in the concept of ownership. It's as if we are playing some kind of real life Monopoly game. I am half expecting a top hat and monocle to show up in my mailbox. At this point, that seems more likely than me ever receiving my new Social Security card. I went to visit Mozzie and I told him "I got married. This is my ring." and he licked it and I was like "I know, dude. Weird, right? I am someone's wife. I made a casserole. By myself. Like a real person."

Next Saturday I have another 50K race. It will be my third in the past year (November 2014 to November 2015). How awesome is that?! Still, I feel a bit nervous. That something will go wrong on race day and it will just turn into a sufferfest. That it's a small race and I'll probably be all alone in the back and that won't be as much fun. But mostly I feel like whatever happens, it will be another great adventure that I am fortunate enough to experience. Somehow I have gotten to this place where I can just bust out a 20+ miler on trails whenever I feel like it. And really, I don't care all that much about any one day or race. I just want to be strong enough to do all the things I want to do and be active for the rest of my life.

So this is life in transition. Exciting things are happening. Uncertainty abounds. I have been called to great adventures, in running and in life. Maybe I will fail. Maybe I will be weighed and found wanting. But I know that, if nothing else, I have what it takes to laugh and keep going. And I know that everything works out. I forget this sometimes, and then life reminds me. This morning I went to the Village Bakery to get a smoothie. (I am the luckiest in that my only problem in life right now is that I have a mouth full of metal and chewing is a whole ordeal.) They were out of bananas and therefore could not make the smoothie I ordered. So they made me some kind of coffee smoothie with peanut butter in it. I am not terribly fond of coffee but peanut butter is my jam. It was delicious. And that is the story of my life: Sorry, you can't have that thing you thought you wanted. Here is something even better.

Lyric of the moment: "And the tightrope that you wander every time you have been weighed, you have been found wanting. Been wondering for days how you felt me slip your mind. Leave behind your wanton ways. I want to learn to love in kind. 'Cause you were all I ever longed for..." ~Mumford and Sons "The Wolf"

Fun with cartoons



 

Lyric of the moment: "Robot, robot, there are electronical storms in your heart. Let's fly, let's fly, let's fly, let's fly..." ~T.A.T.U. "Robot"


Nostalgia

I don't like to think about the past. Because it's over and it can't be changed. And because I'm fiercely optimistic, probably delusionally so, that whatever happens next will be better than what went before and life will keep proceeding towards maximum awesomeness. But mostly because thinking about the past just makes me miss everyone I used to know and everyone I wish I'd known sooner. It makes me wish that I was less awkward and more outgoing and better at keeping in touch across time and space.

The thing is, everything ends. To everyone you meet, you will one day have to say goodbye. And you don't know when that day will be. You don't know how much time you will have with them. Except that it won't be enough. It will never be enough time for you to fully convey to them how much they mean to you and how much better you are for having known them.

And I don't really know what to do about that. Other than try to get really strong so I can give everyone those great big bear hugs that lift you off the ground. Because those are the very best kind of hugs.

Maybe those nostalgic moments are reminders to look back with gratitude yet keep moving forward. Maybe that feeling of being simultaneously sad to leave where you've been and excited to move on means that you're one of the lucky ones, that you've found things worth missing. Nothing lasts forever, but some things last a really long time. Maybe this new thing is quite likely to be one of them. And maybe that hope is all you really need.

Lyric of the moment: "But I can't go back. And I don't want to. 'Cause all my mistakes, they brought me to you..." ~The Avett Brothers "All My Mistakes" (I think I am destined to one day live in a commune/bakery/treehouse where I will spend all the days running through the woods and playing euchre and listening to The Avett Brothers station on Pandora.)

Yes, And...

On Tuesday I went to the chiropractor, because when the 'ole running parts get a bit twitchy he's good at soothing them so they don't become all irate and injured. He commented on my name change and congratulated me on getting married. And then he said the thing that almost everyone says, which is the kid thing. So I said the thing that I always say which is that we don't want kids. And he said the thing that most people say which is "How old are you? Oh you're young. You'll change your mind." Facepalm. I didn't say anything but my face must have said it all because then he said "Oh you've already made up your mind."

 

The issue is not whether or not someone wants to have kids. The issue is that when you ask someone about their life choices and then make a comment that imposes your own judgment on their choices or implies that their choice is somehow wrong, it effectively shuts down the conversation. It's breaking the first rule of improv, which is that you always say "Yes, And..." meaning that you play along with what the other person has said and you add something to it, thereby moving the skit forward. So if your improv partner says "I am a robot from outer space," you don't say "But you're young, you'll change your mind." You say something like "Yes! And I admire the size of your rocket ship. Shall we go get ice cream?"

 

Now I know that people mean well and they are just trying to make conversation. And most people do get married and have kids so it's not unusual to ask about those things. And maybe people get defensive because they misinterpret my non-traditional life choices as an inherent criticism of their own life choices. (Let me clear the air by saying it's totally not a criticism. Let's all make the choices that are right for us and be happy for each other. We don't all have to want or do the same things.) And I especially know how easy it is to judge other people's choices. We do this almost automatically sometimes, without even realizing we're doing it. I know I am guilty of it too.

 

I'm trying to be less judgmental about other people's choices, to realize that the beauty of life is that there are so many choices and each of us gets to follow a life path of our own choosing. Each interaction we have with someone is a chance to make a meaningful connection, a chance to really see them and get to know them and accept them. But getting defensive or judgmental only shuts down those potential connections. We only get a finite number of chances to connect in this lifetime, so I want to be more open to letting this happen. I want to be a Yes, And-er. It's much more fun.

 

Lyric of the moment: "We've wanted to be trusty and true. But feathers fell from our wings. And we've wanted to be worthy of you. But weather rained on our dreams. And we can't take back what is done, what is past. So fellas, lay down your fears. 'Cause we can't take back what is done, what is past. So let us start from here…" ~Damien Rice "Trusty and True"

Last year's pants

Remember when you were a kid and you grew so fast that when you put on last year's pants they
were two inches too short? Some parts of life are like last year's pants. You see yourself still living in last year's or last month's or yesterday's circumstances and it's awkwardly obvious that they no longer fit. But it can be hard to let go. Because at one point you really liked those pants. And maybe you feel a little sad about outgrowing them. Even though they were kind of itchy sometimes and that started to get annoying. Still, you had some good times in those pants. But it's a big world filled with all kinds of pants. The sooner you let go of what no longer fits you, the sooner you can find what does. And you will. But it might take a bit of work and it may be a little uncomfortable. So here's the important part: don't go back. It can be tempting to reach for those comfortable old pants. But they're not really doing anything for you. You can appreciate their presence in your past while also letting them go so they don't clutter up your future. So let go of the pants. Where you're going you don't need pants.

Lyric of the moment: "Don't you know life's a feeling. But without you it's nothing...A road might take me away, but it's sure enough to bring me home, baby. Tuesday's coming. And I'm not gonna leave you here, darling..." ~O.A.R "Dareh Meyod" (Because it's one of those songs that makes me miss everyone I ever knew)

This is marriage: Day 22

We are standing in the bathroom. Pete has a flashlight in one hand and pliers in the other. He shines the light in my mouth and uses the pliers to fix the wire that has come loose on my braces. He says something like "I just did orthodontic work in your mouth." And I say something like "What's that going to cost me, about $500?" We laugh.

Later we eat grape pie.

Marriage is funny.

Lyric of the moment: "Always remember there was nothing worth sharing like the love that let us share our name..." ~The Avett Brothers "Murder in the City"

Kitchen shenanigans

Last night I was home alone. And things were happening. In my kitchen of all places. Things like two pans of vegetables roasting in the oven and a pot of potatoes boiling on the stove. And the smoke detector, with its weird mix of urgency and apathy, alternating between ear-piercing beeping and a deadpan voice saying "fire." Pigs were flying and Hell was freezing over, because I was cooking.

Pete was out of town so I had picked up our CSA share for the week. So then I had all these vegetables and I decided I should probably do something with at least some of them. But I don't like cooking. It's messy. And it's a lot of effort for something I couldn't care less about. Let's be honest, I have the taste buds of a 5 year old. I'd be perfectly content to eat cereal or peanut butter and banana sandwiches for every meal. Plus I think food just tastes better when someone else makes it while I'm in the shower after a run. Which is what usually happens on Tuesday nights when Pete is here. Because he is awesome like that.

But I had gone to 5am Fit1 Tuesday morning and I was running Monday and Wednesday mornings this week instead of Tuesday and Thursday nights, so Tuesday night it was just me vs. the vegetables. I put the cabbage far, far away. Because cabbage is gross and smelly and I just cannot even. But broccoli, carrots and tomatoes, that I can do. So I cut them up, tossed them with olive oil and salt, and roasted them in the oven. Then I decided to make smashed potatoes, which is the lazy way of making mashed potatoes. Some people get all fancy with their mixers and their peeling of the potatoes. But I don't have time for that. Also, I don't have a mixer or a peeler. Plus I think there are a lot of nutrients in potato skins. So yeah, let's go with that. I'm doing it for the nutrients, not because I don't feel like peeling things. Science! So I boiled the potatoes. (Let's skip over the part where I put too much water in the pot and then it was spilling out when I put the potatoes in so I had to dump some of it in the sink). And then mashed them with a masher. And then I thought I should probably add some liquid or something. I didn't have any milk, but I did have sour cream for some reason, probably something burrito related. So I used that instead. It was a good choice.

The fire alarm went off somewhere in the middle of all this, though I don't know why because nothing was on fire. I know, surprising isn't it? And I was all like, look at me, cooking AND testing the smoke detectors to make sure they work. I'm really winning at domesticity tonight! Whoa, slow down. Let's not make this a habit or anything. Undomesticated 4 Eva!

So I cooked vegetables and they were good and nothing burned down. Great success. But then there were all these dishes, which I had to clean before I could eat. Because I can't stand dishes just lying around being all dirty up in my space. By then it was already 6pm and that seemed like a lot more effort than cereal. So I ate the vegetables, then decided to reward myself for a job well done by going to get frozen yogurt.

Lessons learned:

*Roasted tomatoes and broccoli are yummy.
*Smashing potatoes is fun.
*Cooking is the hard way of getting food into your mouth. Outsource this as much as possible.
*Smoke detectors are too sensitive and really bring down the party.

Lyric of the moment: "I wanna taste love and pain, wanna feel pride and shame. I don't wanna take my time, don't wanna waste one line. I wanna live better days. Never look back and say, could have been me it could have been me..." ~The Struts "Could have been me"