Jackpot

Am I the only one who didn't buy a lottery ticket yesterday? The jackpot was some insane amount of money that I would never, ever want. I'm very lucky that I have enough to live comfortably. I don't need or want anything more. The real jackpot is people, not money. It's love, health, happiness, effort and meaningful relationships.

Someday I'd like to live in a blue house that is full of happy people and robots and a dog called The Dude. I'd like to meet someone I'm excited to spend the rest of my life with, who also feels the same way about me. And I'd like to somehow acquire better entertaining/hosting skills so I can have people over more often. For euchre and fun runs and theme parties and good times.

That's a jackpot I very much want to win.

For now, I'm enjoying my present situation, the abundance of space, solitude, quiet and order, and the luxury of being responsible only for myself. But I would welcome a little more chaos and responsibility if it happens.

I feel surprisingly content. I don't really understand why, but I'll take it. I guess I finally realized that I'm enough, that whatever happens I will be ok. I have faults and that's ok. I want to keep growing and getting better, and that's ok too. It doesn't mean I'm inadequate. It's just that I want a passionate and adventurous life. As long as I'm here, I'm trying to experience as much as I can and figure out what it really means to be alive.

Life is good and people are awesome and everything will work out in the end. Or the beginning, or the middle, or wherever it is I am.


Lyric of the moment: "I always could count on futures, that things would look up, and they look up..."

Everything. All the time

I could definitely get used to 4 day weekends. I spent Thanksgiving with some of my crazy extended family, which was pretty hilarious. I ate way too much dessert. (I think need a break from all the sugar. Maybe I should find another vice.) I spent some solo time running in the woods and doing random cardio at the gym. I went to see Skyfall (some cool stunts, but not enough scenes of Daniel Craig without a shirt on) and a double feature at The Cinema of Robot and Frank (funny and adorable and now I totally want a robot butler with gardening and cooking and lock-picking skills) and Seven Psychopaths (definitely messed up but funny too). I watched more Doctor Who (I'm not sure how I missed out on this show for so long but I really like it). I took Maz for a drive-thru oil change (so cool!). I read and relaxed and slept. I went grocery shopping. By myself. Like a real person.

I didn't worry or feel bad about anything. Because my time here is finite and I'd rather spend it experiencing as much life and getting to know as many amazing people as I can. There is good in everything. There is happiness everywhere. And I want to enjoy all of it. Everything. All the time.

Lyric of the moment: "I'm here, I'm now, I'm ready..."

The light at the end of the tunnel

If I had a dollar for every time in the past few months I've said something like "I'm sorry. I enjoyed meeting you but I just don't feel a connection," I could buy a lot of ice cream. Which I could really use. I'm not cut out for this whole dating thing. Internally I still feel like the wallflower, all braces and awkwardness, not getting asked to dance. Now somehow I'm on the other side of it, turning guys down. And it's the worst.

But I figure things will work out eventually. And in the meantime, I'm enjoying my ridiculously fortunate life. Yesterday was another funny day at work in which I got a bonus and Bill kept insisting on paying my cell phone bill and adding me to their corporate plan and I kept insisting that no, thank you very much but I can pay my own cell phone bill, and Bill told me I could leave early.

So I went to a coffee shop to read and drink chai. And this guy started talking to me about how he was being stood up. He was supposed to meet a girl there at 2:30 but she hadn't shown up yet. I was like Dude, I would have left at 3:00, but he said he was waiting until 5:00. In retrospect, I should have known the direction this conversation was headed. The only strangers who talk to me in public are elderly, homeless and/or crazy. (It would be nice if just once a single, hot, well-balanced thirty-something guy would strike up a random conversation with me. Dear universe, hint hint.) I felt bad for the poor guy until he said "Well if she doesn't show up, God will punish her." So yeah, he had a one way ticket to crazy town. Granted, it's inconsiderate to be a no-show and not even call, but it's possible this girl narrowly avoided becoming an episode of Criminal Minds.

Then a nice guy took me out for sushi and chocolate lava cake and said "I don't think you're weird." That makes one of us, but it's still nice to hear.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know when I'll get there but it's comforting to know it exists.

Lyric of the moment: "Take me out tonight. Because I want to see people and I want to see life...There is a light and it never goes out..."

No worries, only awesome sauce

The other night I ran a few miles on the track at dusk. It was just an ordinary run. Not very fast or very far, but entirely perfect. Because I enjoyed every step. No watch, no worries, no expectations. Simply running for the love of running. I'm still hoping to get back to longer runs as soon as I can, but in the meantime I'm grateful for every mile my ankle will take me.

I'm not really sure how it happened, but I'm becoming more patient and less critical of myself. I'm finding a balance between striving for improvement and accepting who I am. I will probably always want to test my limits, to do more and be better. But I'm learning how to do it without judgment.

I'm going to let things work themselves out, as they are wont to do. Maybe I just like saying the word wont. In any event, I'm not going to worry about it. Whatever life brings, I will make a sundae out of it, with awesome sauce on top.

Lyric of the moment: "And what she said was something beautiful. To give your love no matter what..." (My second favorite Red Hot Chili Peppers lyric, the first being "I'll make it to the moon if I have to crawl.")

Brief dalliances in irresponsibility

Last week I thought I would try being irresponsible for once. Blow off some steam, act without considering the consequences, enjoy the immediate gratification. Just to see what it was like, because it's so unlike me. And maybe I've been missing out somehow. So I did. And it was fun in a way. But mostly it felt sort of hollow, like this isn't really me and this isn't really what I want. This was only a baby step towards irresponsibility, and even that didn't sit well with me. I'm all for a bit of mischief once in a while, but I think I have to accept that irresponsibility is just not my style.

Oddly enough, that moment is when it finally hit me that this is never going to work out. Rationally I had known it for a while, but the emotions had yet to catch on. It was only in that moment that I finally felt it on a visceral level. This is never going to be what I want and it's only going to make me unhappy.

I don't feel any sadness over it anymore. Remember the love and let go of the hurt and keep going.

Lyric of the moment: "Take your entrance back. Can't let you roam inside my head. I don't want to take what you can give. I'd rather starve than eat your bread..."

Weekend adventures

This past weekend I went to see Blue Man Group (thanks to Adam for the invitation!). It was weird and funny and really neat. I'm not sure who came up with the concept of blue faced men playing percussion on PVC pipes and other random surfaces and seeing how many marshmallows they can catch in their mouths and eating Cap'n Crunch on stage, but it was a very interesting show.

Sunday morning, Sheila, Eric and Picasso came over for a Daylight Savings run. We left my house at 1:15am, ran until 2:00am, then turned the clocks back to 1:00am, so technically we ran about 5 miles in negative 15 minutes. We're awesome like that. Then we ate bagels and tater tots for breakfast. Good times.

I'm trying not to think about anything too much, just letting the thoughts come in and go back out again without judging or reacting to them.

I don't know what will happen. I don't even know what I want to happen anymore. So there's no point worrying or getting upset. I will do the best I can with what I have. I just want to have fun and be happy and spend time with awesome people.

Lyric of the moment: "Settle down, it'll all be clear. Don't pay no mind to the demons, they fill you with fear. The trouble it might drag you down. If you get lost, you can always be found..."

Robots just want to have fun

Things that are funny:

The other morning I went to get in my car and the driver side door wasn't shut all the way, my sunglasses were on the seat and the glove compartment was open. Clearly someone had been in my car, looking for who knows what. Nothing was taken, but then again there is nothing in there to take. And luckily my robot is super glued onto the dashboard so he's not going anywhere. Now I kinda want to leave random things in my car overnight and see what happens.
I think my boss feels sorry for me because several times a day he will come into my office and say a bunch of nice things and tell me that some lucky guy is going to be so happy to meet me, etc. Then we have ridiculous conversations like this:

Bill: "I saw you coming in and I thought to myself isn't little Jen beautiful. And I'm not just saying that to make you feel better."
Jen: "Yeah but don't you have glaucoma? You only think that because you can't really see me."
Bill (holding water bottle): "I'm going to dump this water on your head, kid."

I know he means well but I don't even want to think about it anymore. If it happens, it happens. And if it doesn't...that's the way the cookie crumbles.

My ankle feels suspiciously better. I'm hesitant to test it because it has fooled me before. And right now I just want to feel hopeful instead of discouraged.

I don't want to think too much or worry about the future or feel bad about anything. Robots just want to have fun.

Lyric of the moment: "Heart still beating but it's not working. It's like a hundred thousand voices that just can't sing. I reach out trying to love but I feel nothing. Oh my heart is numb..."