Things that are funny about Bikram Yoga

Usually I only go to Bikram yoga when there is a Groupon offer available. The classes are expensive and there's a limit to how much I'm willing to pay for the opportunity to drown in my own sweat. This month they were offering a 10 class pass for $20, which is a huge deal since classes are normally $20 each. At times it's kind of intense, but I like Bikram (except for the breathing exercises. Those are weird). I like the heat, I like the repetition of the same 26 poses every class, but mostly I love the words because they are hilarious. These are the things about Bikram that I find particularly funny:

• The hallway is lined with pictures of shirtless dudes posing on tiger skin rugs with "Blue Steel" faces. Why are they doing this? No one knows. Maybe if you become a true Bikram devotee you get your own tiger rug?

• The goal of Bikram seems to be to lock your knees and to wear the least amount of clothing. I like to see how many classes I can go to before seeing that guy, you know the one wearing nothing except a Speedo. It is usually two at most.

• Party Time. The instructor says this after the first 3 postures, when you are finally allowed your first water break. There are no piñatas or cake but that first sip of cold water feels like a party in your mouth.

• Japanese Ham Sandwich. The instructor says this during Hands To Feet Pose. It's a standing, forward bending stretch in which you are supposed to place your fingers underneath your heels, stomach touching thighs, chest touching knees, face touching shins. The instructor tells you your body should look like a Japanese ham sandwich. I had no idea what this meant until Mr. Internet told me a Japanese ham sandwich is just bread and meat, no lettuce or other sandwich ingredients. So you're supposed to be all smushed up against yourself with no space between your parts. Or something. PSA: Don't do this during a bear attack, you'll only be making yourself look more delicious and sandwich-y.

• Costume. The instructor tells you to lift up your foot so it is touching your costume, which means your clothes. I think the costume you're supposed to be going for is 'sweaty strip club.'  If you're not dressed like you could be performing at a strip club, you are wearing too much clothing for Bikram yoga.

• "Mama give me money." The instructor tells you to bend your elbow, put out your hand, palm facing up, turn your arm outward and say "Mama give me money." Then you pick up your foot with your hand. I think it is supposed to help you get the right grip on your foot. Or induce giggles. Or maybe it's because you could use some money now that you have spent all yours on this hot-as-balls yoga class.

Bikram, man. It's the best.

Lyric of the moment: "Coming at the target, you're as straight as Magellan. If you've got a secret weapon, well you're as sure as hell ain't telling.'Cause your mouth made an offer that the bodies cannot veto. No woman can resist a man who looks good in a Speedo..." ~Caviar "Tangerine Speedo" (Because it is impossible to listen to this song without laughing. And sometimes you just need that.)