Vignettes

The upside to downfall:
I guess practice makes perfect because the older I get the better I am at falling with minimal injury. As compared to when I was younger and, for example, TJ and I decided it would be a great idea for him to ride his bike and pull me behind him on rollerblades. (That did not end well for me). Considering my general lack of grace and the inevitability of future stumbles, it's nice to know I can now fall to my hearts content with minimal risk.

Rebel without a cause:
If I am fated to become an old maid, I plan on being the most awesome sauce old maid ever. Things I will do: whatever I damn well feel like doing. Things I will not do: feel old, clean anything, live with any cats.

Workers Comp:
After hearing about my running fall, Bill came into my office and handed me 68 cents, saying "I don't know the workers comp laws but this is all the change I had on my desk."

Text messages from Mom:
Sometimes I think I don't know what love is. And then I am reminded...
Mom: How are you?
Me: I'm ok.
Mom: Ok is a term that should be reserved for so-so movies and for meals that fill us but don't taste like anything. You, my precious child are a beautiful, unique individual that is superior to many and who is most definitely "phenomenal" but perhaps is having an "ok" day...

Things not to say to a single person (or anyone at all really):
#147, brought to you by my dental hygienist, "You can have my husband."
What I said: Nothing. I just made a face that was all "Seriously, woman?!"
But there was totally an explosion of sarcastic comments going on in my brain: "Oh jeez, really? Thanks, you just solved all my problems." "Hmmmm...is he hot?" "I'd rather you go back to jamming sharp instruments into my gums. No, really." "I come here for the free toothbrushes but I stay for the free husbands." "Oh honey, no. Just....no."

Space-Time-TV Continuum:
I can't decide if Community's Inspector Spacetime (clearly a Doctor Who parody) episode was the best thing ever or an indication that I watch way too much TV. I love TV shows inside other TV shows and when everything is a parody of something else. At the end, Abed said "But maybe there's a reason the inspector always chooses a human companion. He's an alien but his human friends keep him grounded and invested in the world...Maybe all relationships are made up of logical inspectors and emotional constables and we need them both to make Space and Time a better place." Well that explains a lot.

LOL:
This passage from the book I'm currently reading made me laugh out loud (as opposed to laughing on the inside, which I also do quite frequently)

"The most powerful booze in the world is found in Kerala. It is called Jesus Christ."
"Why is it called Jesus Christ?"
"If you drink it, you will rise only on the third day."

I'm totally going to tell that joke on Easter.

Lyric of the moment: "And I know I'm dead on the surface, but I am screaming underneath..."

Robot vs. sidewalk

So I was out for a run this morning and I totally bit it. Hardcore. Slipped, fell face forward, landed on my forearms and left side and slid across the ice. I almost wish I could have seen it, because it was probably hilarious. Laying on the ground, there was this moment where I thought now what? And my brain started whirring. Do I get upset? I don't feel upset. Do I call someone? No, I don't have a phone. Are my tights ripped? No? Phew, these are my favorite running tights. But suddenly I was on my feet, taking a few tentative hobbles, and then I was off and running again.

Weirdly enough, all I felt was happy. That my whole left side was sore, but my ankle didn't hurt. That no matter how many times I fall, I will pick myself up and keep going. That I am still an unstoppable force.

This is going to leave one hell of a bruise. I wish I could say the same for the sidewalk, that it now has a robot shaped indentation. But in reality it escaped unscathed. Oh well. I am off to console myself with vanilla chai and a new library book.

Lyric of the moment: "So, bless my heart and bless my mind. I got so much to do, I ain't got much time. So must be someone up above saying, Come on, girl. Yeah, you got to get back up. You got to hold on. Yeah, you got to hold on. Yeah, you got to wait. But I don't wanna wait..."

Leads you here despite your destination

Is there such a thing as kismet or destiny or fate? I like to think I have some control over what happens to me, but sometimes it does seem like I'm being pulled in a certain direction, that maybe some things are inevitable. Things I keep coming back to, almost as if by compulsion. Invisible connections that remain unbreakable throughout time and space.

Maybe I'm just a sucker for the romantic notion of an inevitable rendez-vous of kindred spirits. Or maybe it's not destiny, it's just being attracted to what you really like, the gravitational pull of your passions. Maybe they are one and the same. I don't know. I'm not hip to the grand schemes and inner workings of the universe.

Is there some mysterious force that makes us do the things we do? Something responsible for those brief instances of intense bravery that embolden us to take the chances that lead us to our very best moments?

I'd like to have more of those moments.

I read somewhere that "a moment is as happy or sad as the person living it." I like that. Even if I am destined for a certain outcome, I still get to choose how I feel about it.

Whatever happens, I want to be surprised (hopefully the good kind of surprise, not like Surprise! Your house burned down! or Surprise! Identity theft!).

I want to find out I'm bigger on the inside.

Lyric of the moment: "Let's have an adventure. Head in the clouds but my gravity's centered..."

A tale of two cookies

Dear Self,

Pay attention, I'm about to drop some knowledge on you, son.

You might think, a cookie is a cookie, right? No. If what you really want is an Oreo, you can eat all the Hydrox in the world and never be satisfied. Wait for the Oreo, and then enjoy it in all its deliciousness. Don't settle for poor imitations when what you really want is the real thing. So it is with cookies. So it is with life.

You might think, beggars can't be choosers. As if! You're not a beggar. And the one thing you always have is a choice. You can choose how you react and what you focus on and who you surround yourself with. (You can end all your sentences with prepositions if you damn well feel like it.) If I were you (and I am), I'd choose love and laughter and gratitude. And Oreos. With milk.

From Robot, with love

Lyric of the moment: "My heart's made of parts of all that surround me...I just want to feel everything..."

Love and valentines and doing the robot

I like the idea behind Valentine's day, to celebrate the people we love. I think we should do that as often as possible. But in practice the holiday seems to be mostly about selling jewelry and flowers and implying that you're nobody unless somebody loves you (and that somebody buys you expensive gifts).

Which is completely ridiculous and untrue. Being in a romantic relationship isn't a one-way ticket to happiness, nor does being single doom you to a life of unhappiness. And I don't care about diamonds and flowers. They're just things. I think it's the thought and the willingness to put in the effort that are important.

It's really nice to feel loved and connecting with other people is the best part of life. But I don't think someone else's opinion of me is going to validate me or prove that I'm lovable. Everyone is valuable and lovable and irreplaceable. I'm no better or worse than anyone else, no more or less deserving of anything.

And sure, I would love to have company as I wander through life, but I'm not expecting anyone else to make me happy or solve my problems. Those things are my responsibility alone. And if the whole marriage thing ever happens for me, I want it to happen from a place of genuine love and commitment, not out of a fear of being alone or looking for validation from outside sources.

I've had chances to be in a relationship and I haven't taken them. It just didn't feel right to me. So perhaps there is a reason for me to fly solo right now.

This morning my bathroom light went out and I had to take a shower in the dark. So I did the only logical thing...I turned on the radio and had myself a little dance party.

Because whatever happens, I will keep on doing the Robot.

Lyric of the moment: "All there is left to do is get up, get up, get up. There's a dance floor waiting..."

Because ovens should only be used for making cookies

Yesterday was the 50th anniversary of Sylvia Plath sticking her head in the oven and offing herself. I wish it didn't have to be that way for anyone, that everyone had someone to turn to, confide in, to hold their hand in the dark times, that everyone felt accepted and supported and loved. If I could become better at one thing, it would be this. To be a more supportive, encouraging, compassionate person. To love better and more openly and without expectation.

When someone is upset, I always wish I knew the right thing to say or do to make him/her feel better. But maybe it's more important to be available and present for the person than to say or do any specific thing.


I'm trying to let go of pride and ego, to not take things personally and to focus on listening and understanding instead of judging or interrupting.

I could definitely be described as an introvert. I'm shy and awkward and I need a certain amout of solitude. I'm never going to be the life of the party. I prefer smaller, more intimate gatherings to big, loud parties. I'm not well known, nor would I wish to be. But I really love people and hearing about all their stories and thoughts and laughs.

I don't know where my life is going, but I want to be a more patient and understanding human when I get there. I feel an upcoming longing for community. I don't know whether that means a house full of friends and pets or a husband or some other combination. I want to enjoy living by myself for a little bit, but I hope someday I get to live in a house full of people and life and love. And an oven that is only used for making cookies.

Lyric of the moment: "Love is the answer, at least for most of the questions in my heart. Like why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it's so hard? It's not always easy, and sometimes life can be deceiving. I'll tell you one thing, its always better when we're together..."

Odds & ends

The other day I saw a driver approach a red light, then suddenly drive over the median and pull a U-turn. I mean seriously? That's some "creative" driving.

Sometimes at work candidates will tell us how well they thought their interviews went, then we will find out from the employer that the candidates were totally weird/offensive and no one liked them or wanted to work with them. I always wonder how people's perceptions of how they're coming across can be so out of touch with reality. Then I wonder if I am guilty of this too. How would I even know if my own perceptions were skewed?

I went for a short run early Friday morning. No watch, no worries, just enjoying the darkness and the cold air in my lungs. It was perfectly refreshing. Today I got up to 12 miles on the elliptical before my ankle started to get annoyed, so I'm considering that progress. During my workout I was watching music videos on VH1. When I grow up I want to be as hardcore as Pink in her video for the song Try.

Best check-out line conversation ever:
Dude: That's a sweet wallet.
(I have an alligator wallet, as in a wallet with alligators on it, not one made out of alligator)
Me: Thanks!
Dude: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
Me: I dunno, what?
Dude: An investigator.

Everything looks cooler covered in white, fluffy snow. Maz was totally rocking a snow-hawk this morning.

I think I have become an old lady or something. Several times while shoveling my driveway, guys have come over and asked if I wanted help. Even my one next door neighbor who had previously never spoken a word to me offered to help yesterday. Which is really nice, but I actually like shoveling so I usually say thanks but I'm all set. I just hope I don't look like someone who needs help.

I have decided to buy my house a new porch for its 113th birthday this year. So far I have gotten 2 estimates, the second of which was half the price of the first. I half expected it to be lower, since I was getting a total shyster vibe from the first guy. It's rare for me to immediately dislike someone, so when it happens I pay attention. My intuition or whatever you call it is way more astute than I am.

Lyric of the moment: "I cannot overstate it, I will be overjoyed..."