Whose idea was this anyway?

I don't know what kind of lunatic has been making the decisions around here, but things have gotten out of hand very quickly. So now I am staring down the barrel of my first 50K. Whose idea was this anyway? Every time I've run the race loop, I've seriously thought there is no way I can do this 5 times in a row. Taper is supposed to make you feel rested and ready, but right now all I feel is tired and beat up. And my hips are being weird. (I know the hips don't lie. I just wish I could figure out what they're trying to tell me.) But I suppose I might as well embrace it. I have been running the crap out of this year. So in 5 days I'm about to feel the most tired and beat up I have ever felt in my life. And even if the weather is stupid awful and everything hurts and I want to stop, I have to find a way to keep going. Because that is the point of all this.

I am trying to be chill. I am trying not to have expectations. But truth be told, I am freaking out hard core. I am afraid of failing at this. Even though I know to do so wouldn't change my life in any significant way. There are always other races, other chances. And there are far more important things at which I am far more afraid of failing.

I do not feel ready, but I do feel willing. And hopefully that is enough.

When I get to the starting line, I hope I remember what a joy it has been to get there, all the hours spent running through the woods and hanging out afterwards, talking and laughing. All the ups and downs, celebrations and stumbles, the trails of our lives. When I get to the rough spots, because oh man there are going to be rough spots, I hope I remember to embrace the experience, appreciate the company I get along the way and trust that there will be more awesomeness (but hopefully not horse shit) around every corner.

Lyric of the moment: "I'm hungry, I'm dirty, I'm losing my mind. Everything's fine! I'm freezing, I'm starving, I'm bleeding to death. Everything's fine! I miss you. I love you..." (I'm pretty sure this is what it will feel like to run an ultra.)