It's funny how much my life has changed since meeting Pete, and yet those changes happened so naturally, almost imperceptibly, that I sometimes have these moments where I suddenly realize whoa, everything has changed. It's usually not the big things, like moving in together or going on a honeymoon, that make me feel this way. It's the random, ordinary, basic life routine things. Like when I went to the library and realized I still had an old library card with my maiden name on it, signed in my silly 5 year old handwriting. The librarian changed my name and address on her computer, gave me a new card and asked if I wanted to keep my old card. Normally I'm a throw-out-all-the-things person. But, I hesitated for a moment. It hit me that this library card was my oldest possession (also one of my very best possessions, next to The Cheat). And one of my few remaining Jen Pratt things (other than my house, which will soon be gone as well). But I no longer need those things. I told the librarian I didn't want the old card, she cut it up and that was that. The past was a weird and wonderful place, but I've outgrown it (luckily my handwriting has also improved dramatically). Part of becoming who you are is letting go of who you used to be.
It's funny how every day I learn more about Pete but I will still never know what it is really like to be him. His perception of "blue" is different than my perception of "blue." His experience of running a mile is different than my experience of running a mile. It is such an obvious thing, yet I forget this all the time. We were laying around and I was trying to move Pete's arm so I could get up, and his arm was so freaking heavy compared to my arm that I was like "Are your bones made of lead?! Why are your arms so heavy? How do you run with those arms? Seriously how can you even hold them up? I forget that you are a giant." Then I realized whoa, our experiences are inherently different, and actually remembering this will make everything better. When we disagree about something or do something the other doesn't understand, it's not anyone's fault, we are not intentionally trying to upset each other, we're just different carbon based entities and we perceive and experience the world differently. If I'm coming from a place of curiosity and empathy rather than a place of mindless reaction, I won't be suckered into taking things personally and being offended/defensive. Maybe we can't ever really know what it feels like to be anyone else, but we can still try to understand. And just doing that is an endlessly fascinating journey.
Marriage is a series of whoa!s, great and small.
Lyric of the moment: "Let's start living dangerously...Let's lose our minds and go f*cking crazy. I keep on hoping we'll eat cake by the ocean..." ~DNCE "Cake By The Ocean" (Yes, this is an actual song. Apparently I'm not the only one who thinks cake + ocean = best day ever).
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