Even better in the future

During every long run, and sometimes the not so long runs, there is a point or points where The Doubts creep in. I feel tired or uncomfortable. I have a side stitch or my stomach feels weird or something we did at Insanity the day before made my ass hurt like whoa. The Doubts try to convince me that I can't do it. I used to listen to them and get discouraged. But now I know better. I know that the key to distance running, and probably to life, is that it gets better. When it feels bad, you just have to keep going until it feels good again. You don't have to feel bad about feeling bad. It happens. It is not technically "bad," it is just another experience. And the more experiences you have, the more you learn, grow, expand.

I don't know why some people think things were better in the past. Things are better in the present. And the choices you make in the present can make things even better in the future. You can't go back (unless you have a time machine, in which case, let's get up to some Back To The Future style shenanigans), but you can always go forward. You can't change what has already happened but you can change what you do now, right this very moment, and in all the subsequent moments. I think about this when I go through one of those rough spots during a run or on a bad day. It is an experience, it is temporary. It's what I do with it that matters. I always have a choice. I can always choose awesomeness.

Lyric of the moment: "I always could count on futures. That things would look up, and they look up..." ~Jimmy Eat World "Futures"

The Trails Of Our Lives: Sonia

These are The Trails Of Our Lives, the stories of our adventures, our demons, our victories, in running and in life. If you're interested in participating, please email your story (how you started running, how you ended up on the trails, your struggles, your triumphs, your photos, anything you want to share) to jen@fromrobotwithlove.org.

This is the story of Sonia. It has been a pleasure getting to know her on and off the trails. Her kind heart and perseverance despite injuries are an inspiration. There are many adventures ahead of her, including crushing it at the upcoming Ontario Summit Half Marathon!


The Trails Of Our Lives: Sonia

I didn’t start running until about 3 ½ years ago.  Before that, I had never run a day in my life.  I was a very shy, quiet person.  Mostly kept to myself.  Starting after college, I slowly started putting on weight.  I have always loved food and used it many times for comfort.  I am an emotional eater.  I eat when I am stressed.  I eat when I am angry.  I eat when I have been emotionally hurt.  I eat because I am lonely.  I know what I am doing before, during, and after I eat and that it is only hurting me more, but I do it anyway.  After a while, I seemed to always have headaches and everything hurt.  I got winded just going up the basement stairs.  I was never active.  I still have this image in my head of myself sitting on my couch, eating bean and cheese dip as a dinner, and being alone and very sad.  I was disgusted with myself and depressed. 

 

One day I went to Subway for lunch and ran into someone I knew from college.  We became friends again and met frequently for lunch during the work week.  This person started running after college.  We would talk about running a lot.  After a while, I found myself wanting to take better care of myself.  Wanting to come out of my shell and try new things and meet new people.  I thought about what I could do that would be interesting and decided I would start going to kickboxing.  I signed up for a one-year membership in September 2011.  That was the turning point for me.  I loved kickboxing. 

 

Before I knew it I became motivated to lose weight and try running.  As I mentioned, I had never run a day in my life before.  I had no idea what to do.  All I knew was that I was too scared to even try to run outside.  So I started on the treadmill in the safety of my own home.  I tried running and couldn’t even make it 30 seconds before I couldn’t breathe and thought I would pass out.  So I decided I would try to run until that point, then walk, then run again after catching my breath, etc.  That first run/walk only lasted 12 minutes, but I was so happy I did it!  So I started with a run/walk program on the treadmill.  I did it every other day after work.  After a while, I was able to get to one mile.  With the run/walk it took me 23 minutes, but again, I did it!  I started incorporating other workouts like the Biggest Loser DVD’s, pushups, situps, various kickboxing exercises, biking.  After five months I finally ran 1 mile without stopping!  I took me 12 minutes and 30 seconds.  That was on February 23, 2012.  I had lost forty pounds since September 2011.  I was happy again.  I had tons of energy.  I felt great about myself.  I was eating better.  I started feeling more confident and finally decided in March, it was time to run outside.  I did three miles.  By May I had lost 60 pounds and ran my first 5k race on May 20, 2012 at the Lilac Festival.  I ran it in 31:25 (a 10:06 pace)!  I couldn’t believe how much I had accomplished in only 8 months.  And I did it all on my own.  On July 4^th I did my first 10k race at the Irondequoit 10k, with a time of 59:03 (a 9:30 pace!)!  I know they say not to focus on time, but I couldn’t help it.  It was so wonderful and despite a bout of shin splints, I felt great! 

 

I was at my lowest weight after 9 months and had lost a total of 90 pounds.  I couldn’t believe how much better I felt.  And being able to find clothes that actually fit me was wonderful. 

 

February 14, 2013 was my first ever trail run with a group and it’s where I was introduced to TrailsRoc.  I had a great time and running in the dark was pretty fun.  On April 27, 2013, I did my first half marathon at the Flower City Challenge.  My goal was sub two hour.  My plan was to start with the 2:10 group and slowly work my way up to the 2 hour group and stay with them.  When I got halfway through, my plan was to be ahead of the 2 hour group, no matter what.  Along the way I found Eric and Sheila running and ran with them for a bit.  Eric was pointing out buildings and telling me what to expect along the way.  After a bit, I continued on my own.  I crossed the finish line at 1:57:39 (an 8:58 pace).  I couldn’t believe I actually did that!  Everything seemed to be going so great, despite some kinks here and there, but like I said, everything I knew about running, I taught myself.  My legs started to hurt all the time.  A local running store I started running with talked about foam rolling so I bought one.  Things started getting better. 

 

Skip ahead to about a year and a half ago…my job at the time was a very toxic environment.  Managers started involving themselves in my personal life.  They started making bigger demands of me and made me take on even more work.  I was extremely stressed and would often go home crying.  I started eating emotionally again.  I stopped taking care of myself.  I was still running but everything else was going downhill very fast.  I started gaining weight again.  I started eating almost all my meals out, especially getting breakfasts at McDonald’s about 2 to 3 times a week. My work environment got worse.  I was being taken advantage of.  It was do as I say, not as I do.  I would get in trouble for talking to other coworkers when they came into the office.  I was told I was no longer allowed to talk to anyone.  A change in ownership of the company happened.  My safety officer duties were slowly being taken away from me.  I was only allowed to work on safety for one hour per week maximum.  After a while, I gave up.  I didn’t even bother to do that.  I was being told how to do my safety job from someone who has zero education in the area.  I was being micromanaged by three different people.  It got extremely bad.  I was getting hurt while running even more.  One day it got to be so bad at work my heart started pounding and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.  I was light-headed and couldn’t think straight.  I was so scared it was my heart since we have a high family history on my mother’s side.  I called the doctor.  They called me back and told me to have my family pick me up from work and take me to the emergency room.  I sat there all day.  I was told it was a panic attack.  I had never had one my entire life.  After I got out of the hospital I called my office manager at work to tell her I was okay.  She said, “well are you still working tomorrow?  Because I have an appointment.”  Wow.  Because I am such a nice person and never want to let anyone down, I went to work the next day, but first I went to see my doctor.  She put me on anxiety medication.  Over that next week, I had anxiety attacks all throughout the workday.  I would go home crying.  My managers didn’t seem to even care that most of my issue was the demands they put on me.  After a few months, I wasn’t getting better.  The doctor increased my dosage and also diagnosed me as severely depressed.  I started going to therapy.  My therapist gave me techniques to use when I had anxiety attacks, especially at work.  One was to just go somewhere and take a few minutes to just breathe.  Since the office was small, the only place I had was the bathroom.  I told my manager once I wasn’t feeling well and had to use the bathroom (panic attack, but I didn’t tell her).  After about five minutes I came out.  Feeling like I had to justify myself, I confided to her that I had an anxiety attack and just needed a few minutes.  A couple hours later, she walked to the bathroom and exclaimed as she went in “I have to go have a panic attack.”  This is the toxic environment I had to deal with.  Things got worse.  I stopped taking care of myself and my house.  I stopped cleaning.  I stopped cooking and ate take out most of the time.  I fell back into my old habits. 

 

Fast forward to January 2, 2015.  I was layed-off from my job.  While it was good for me to get out of that toxic environment, now the stress and anxiety was replaced with not working.  The depression got much worse.  I would get up in the morning later and later.  I barely ate, and when I did it was junk food or fast food.  I just didn’t care anymore.  I ran, but my heart just wasn’t in it anymore.  At group runs or in public, I would put on a smile and pretend nothing was wrong.  Like I wasn’t depressed.  Then I would go home and cry and eat bad food.  I started gaining weight again.  My old job called me and asked me to return.  I said I need to think it over.  I just couldn’t go back to such a terrible environment, could I?  People would tell me to take it.  It was better than being home.  No one really knew how bad it was there, and they just didn’t understand why I struggled so badly about going back.  I cried all the time.  I started having anxiety attacks again.  I got a letter from my old job.  The offer changed and I was to take a 20% pay cut and my safety job was taken away from me.  This was the last straw for me.  I refused the offer.  I just couldn’t go back.  My health was more important than a paycheck at that point.  If I returned, I knew I would end up back in the hospital. 

 

That brings us to today.  I started a new job three weeks ago as an administrative assistant after not being able to find a job in safety.  While it’s not what I want to do long term, the environment is so much better.  The people are really friendly.  No one is asked to work past 4:30.  Once a month they have birthday cake for that month’s birthdays.  Every last Friday of the month they buy the employees pizza for lunch.  Once in a while they bring us bagels in the morning.  I had never worked at a company that actually showed they cared about their employees.  I had my very own office.  Something I never had before.  I’m not being micromanaged, but trusted that I can do my job.  I started walking every day with two other coworkers at lunchtime.  The anxiety attacks have stopped.  I continue to go to therapy once a month.  I have gotten rid of negative people in my life.  Despite all this, I continue to battle my severe depression.  I have gained almost all my weight back that I lost.  I still am unmotivated to clean.  I don’t have people over because I am embarrassed for who I have become.  I am ashamed at basically having to start all over again from where I was 3 ½ years ago.  My running has suffered so greatly that I can barely run.  I think to myself “how am I ever going to lose this weight all over again?”  Very few people know about my anxiety and even fewer people know about my severe depression.  While I get better every day, it will be a long road ahead.  But I know with the wonderful family and friends that I have I will have tons of support.  While I haven’t told you everything about my story, it is a big relief to write this and have people be able to understand, as it makes me who I am today.  I wish this story had a happier ending, but for now, I am taking one day at a time.  For those who are curious, I am including some photos of me at my heaviest and my smallest.

 

The Trails of Our Lives: Jen

I am fascinated by people's life stories. I love that this group of people who took these vastly disparate paths through life somehow all ended up in the same place at the same time: on the beautiful trails of Rochester, NY. Getting to know these people has been the highlight of my adult life and so, with your help, I'd like to start a blog post series called The Trails of Our Lives to share those stories. If you're interested in participating, please email your story (how you started running, how you ended up on the trails, your struggles, your triumphs, your photos, anything you want to share) to jen@fromrobotwithlove.org.

I suppose it's only fair that I start this thing off myself, though I feel like my own story is boring compared to all of yours. But I'm quite fond of how that story has turned out, so I'm infinitely grateful for every moment of it. Here we go. Warning: it's long. And sort of embarrassing. Maybe you should get a snack.

I was always outside as a kid: running around playing kick the can and hide and seek, climbing trees, swinging on and walking across the top of the monkey bars. But I didn't do any sort of organized running until my sophomore year in high school. For some reason, probably because they didn't have any cuts, my dad suggested that I join the cross country and track teams, so I did. At first I was terrible at it, but something made me stick with it. I liked being part of a team, even though that was sometimes stressful because I didn't want to disappoint anyone by running poorly. Somehow I made varsity that first year and even became a captain my senior year. I found track to be a lot more enjoyable than cross country. I liked interval workouts on the track and especially the 1500m and relay events. I started to win some races at our track meets, though I wasn't very fast. It was just big fish, small pond kind of stuff. I remember the first race I won was the 1500m. I had had a bad day at school. I forget what happened, all I know is that I had a lot of pent up frustration/emotions and when the race started my legs just took off. I had no expectation of winning, this wasn't even a possibility in my mind, it just sort of happened. I remember my dad saying "You looked like you didn't even want to win." I really didn't. Other than wanting to help my team score points and to improve my own times, I had no competitive drive. Something about running just felt like something I was meant to do, it felt like home.

I ran two years of cross country in college, then I lost too much weight and the doctors wouldn't let me be on the team anymore. I remember going into college I was worried that it would be too hard academically. Then when I got there, I found out that the academics was the easy part. I mean, it was challenging and I studied like it was my job, but I got insanely good grades. Throughout all 4 years of college, I only got As in 6 classes, the rest were all A+s. At the time I was practically despondent over those As. It wasn't about the actual grades. It was just that I had this drive to always do the best I could do, to put in all the effort, to attempt challenging things and prove to myself that I could do them. Anyway, I was lucky and school came relatively easy to me. It was all the rest of college that I struggled with. I had a hard time being away from home and I didn't feel like I really fit in anywhere. It seemed like everyone was drinking and partying and that didn't appeal to me at all. I had friends, I went out on occasion but for me college wasn't this amazingly fun party that it seemed to be for everyone else and that made me feel like there was something inherently wrong with me. Even if I had had the words to explain it at the time, I didn't think anyone else would understand. So I tried to exercise away the stress. It didn't work. No matter how fast or how far you run, you can't outrun your sadness. I stopped eating, I stopped taking care of myself, I wanted to be as invisible on the outside as I felt on the inside. My parents made me go to these eating disorder doctors. I hated it. It was the most humiliating thing ever, to be weighed and always found to be not enough. I hated that my parents made me go there. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to watch someone you love literally waste away in front of you, but at the time I just wanted them to stop caring about me because I had stopped caring about myself. One day I told my mom I hated her (I don't know why I said it, I didn't mean it and I immediately regretted saying it) and she said "Well I love you." That was the day I really understood what love is.

The doctors told me to stop running. But I would get up in the middle of the night and run anyway because no one was going to tell me what I couldn't do. Until one day, mid-run, I suddenly couldn't run another step. My body just didn't have anything left. That was one of the most important days of my life. It was the day I had to decide which side I was on and the day I chose running, adventure, life. The day I chose my side. I started eating again. I finally grew boobs at the age of 21. I went on to grad school. I didn't feel like Ivy League material but somehow I ended up at Yale. I'm glad I went. I learned an incredible amount of science and math. There was one day in 2004 that I almost understood quantum mechanics. But my heart really wasn't in it.

So I decided now that I'd really committed to this whole being alive thing, I was going to do that shit right. I was going to figure out what it was I did want to do. I got my Master's degree, left grad school, came back to Rochester and randomly got this job at a small executive recruiting firm. I started out making $9 an hour. My dad used to ask me when I was going to get a real job. I didn't know what that meant. A real job, as in one you hate going to every day? I didn't care. I liked it there. Funny and weird stuff happened everyday. But most importantly, they treated me like part of their family. Like at school, my hard work was rewarded there and I quickly became a full-time salaried employee. I started making significantly more than $9 an hour and getting a lot of sweet benefits and my dad stopped asking me when I was going to get a real job. I liked work, but it wasn't my passion. I didn't really know what my passion was, but when I turned 23 I made a list of 23 things I wanted to do that year. I went skydiving, I rode in a hot air balloon, I moved in with strangers. I started to figure out that my passions were adventures and people.

I kept running, though only by myself. One day my friend Adam asked me to go running with him and I was apprehensive because it had become such a private thing and what if I couldn't keep up with him? But I went. And I started to remember why I liked running with other people. Then when I was 28 I decided I wanted to run a marathon before my 30th birthday and I knew I was going to need a lot of help doing that. So I signed up for a half marathon training program at Fleet Feet and started going to the group runs there. I met Eric and Sheila and Chris and John and the RFP crew and running became not just a hobby but a lifestyle. I ran a half marathon, then another half marathon. I hobbled through a marathon, learned more about nutrition and hydration, then somehow ran a 3:49 marathon. In hindsight, I think that race was run mostly on negative emotions from my relationship problems. Once again I had to learn the hard way that you can't run away from your troubles. I had finally found a community of inspiring, supportive, amazing people who had the same drive and wanted the same things out of life that I did. But I was in a relationship that was forcing me to choose between them and him. And no matter what I chose I was failing someone. I didn't know what to do, so I chose the side that I thought needed it more and hoped that everything would work out in time. It didn't. But slowly I learned to choose my own happiness and well being. Lucky for me, my friends are the best, forgave me for my mistakes and welcomed me back with open arms. I am so grateful for past relationships. They made me who I am today. But they were not places I could stay. It's no one's fault but mine. I want a big, adventurous life. I want to go everywhere and be friends with everyone. Other people want different things and that's ok.

I wish that I had learned that lesson quickly, but would take 3 attempts and an injury that I made worse by being too stubborn to take the time off I needed. I tried to run another marathon on my injured ankle and made it to mile 22 before it hurt so bad that I couldn't even walk and I finally realized I was being an idiot by caring about one race when I should be taking the long view. So I DNFed and it was heartbreaking. But life went on and so did I. I took the time off I needed, I did everything I could to get healthy and back into running long distances. I started running trails with #TrailsRoc. At first I was terrible at it (story of my life). I was slow. I twisted ankles. But I loved it. And most importantly, it was far easier on my body. I gradually increased my miles. I met more and more awesomely badass friends who became my trail family. I met Pete and we ran across finish lines hand in hand. We ran 58 miles of beautiful Colorado trails in 3 days and slept in a tiny tent. I ran a 50K and I still can't believe it. It feels like something that happened in a dream. I cannot believe how lucky I am to have ended up here. I hope I get to keep running and traveling and hanging out with my people for the rest of my life.

Looking back I can see now that it was the struggles that shaped me, it was the dark times that brought me out into the light. And I think that running had a lot to do with that. It was my first raison d'être. It taught me to go on when I thought I couldn't go on. It lead me to so much love and laughter. It taught me that I am a runner at heart but I am so much more than that. Running doesn't define me, it just lets all the best parts of me out to play.

If you want to read more about the struggles, see also: Things I don't talk about

Lyric of the moment: "We've been through some things together, with trunks of memories still to come. We found things to do in stormy weather. Long may you run. Although these changes
have come. With your chrome heart shining in the sun, long may you run..." ~Neil Young "Long May You Run" (I like to pretend this song is about robots running)

On change. And adding more awesomeness to your life

There are two things about life that are guaranteed:
1. It will change.
2. It will end.

That's what makes life so amazing. If you don't like something, you can change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude about it and just wait, it will change eventually. Your time here is finite, so make the most of it. Get busy living it up and making it awesome.

But sometimes awesomeness is hard, man. Making positive changes can be difficult. Breaking bad habits and forming good ones can be a struggle. Totally worthwhile and rewarding? Yes definitely. But, easy or effortless? Hells no. But you can do it. I know you can. Look at you over there, blurring the line between impossible and possible every day. You know that the hard things are the most worth doing. (High fives to those of you who just thought "That's what she said.")

There are many ways to successfully change your habits or achieve your goals. Experiment. Find what works best for you. If you fail, congratulations and welcome to the club. Everybody who has ever succeeded in anything has failed at some point along the way. No worries. Learn from it and try something else. Try again. And again. Try everything until something works.

I only have 33 years of failures and successes behind me so I'm still figuring this stuff out myself. A couple of weeks ago I was making pasta by myself in my house and, standing by the stove watching the water start to boil, I had the realization: I don't think I've ever done this before. I am 33 and I have never made pasta by myself. I'm not talking homemade pasta from scratch. I mean like boil water, insert pasta from box, cook, taste, strain, eat. Sometimes it astounds me that I am still alive somehow.

All this to say, I'm no expert on anything so take this with a grain of salt. A lot of grains, actually. Better make it a whole salt shaker to be safe. But culinary ineptitude notwithstanding, I have managed to build a life that, while not for everyone, jives with my own ideas of awesomeness. And these are some of the things that work for me.

• Find your intrinsic motivation. It's so much easier to make a change or do something because YOU want to do it, not because someone else wants you to. Don't change because you think you should or because someone else expects you to. Do it for your own reasons, the more personal the better. Do it because it will make you happier and healthier and better able to enjoy this one crazy life you've been given.

• Find a way to enjoy the process. If you want to exercise more, find an exercise you thoroughly enjoy. If you want to eat healthier, find whole foods that taste good to you. If you want to quit a bad habit, replace it with a good habit that you enjoy even more. It's not willpower or superhuman self-discipline that makes me run consistently and happily. I run because I genuinely love it. This was not always the case. Sometimes love grows slowly. So be patient. Give the process a chance.

• Find your people. The secret to everything is people. There, now the secret is out. You're welcome. I accept tips in the form of nut butters and chocolate milk. Kidding! It's not really a secret. Inherently, everyone knows this. But I think sometimes we forget and we assume we have to do everything alone. Well, I'm here to tell you that you don't. Most things are much better with company. Especially supportive, encouraging, inspiring company.

• Be flexible. Success doesn't happen overnight. It takes time and effort. It's not about perfection. It's about adaptability and persistence. It's falling down and getting back up again. It's failing and trying again. It's making room in your life for both spinach and cookies. Though ideally more of the former than the latter.

• Have a sense of humor. About yourself and your life. I know I say this all the time and that's because it makes all the difference. In everything. Don't cry over spilt milk. Laugh over it. And then obviously clean it up before it gets that stinky milk smell all over everything.

Maybe some of these words will be helpful to you. Or not. Maybe you think it's terrible advice. That's ok too. All roads lead to Awesometown. But we all have to find our own path. I'd love to hear about your journey there.

Lyric of the moment: "I wanna live life, never be cruel. I wanna live life, be good to you. I wanna fly and never come down. And live my life. And have friends around..." Coldplay "We Never Change"

All the exciting things are happening!

This is the time of year when I get that crazy let's-go-everywhere-and-do-everything fever. The sun stays out from 5am-9pm. The weather is perfect for running. And the call of adventure is impossible to resist. This year I am especially stoked because all the exciting things are happening!

In a little over a week we'll be heading to Oregon for runcation! Strangely, I am 100% excited and not at all nervous. Ok, maybe 0.55% nervous. I just want to feel good and run well so I'm not holding Pete back or anything. But mostly I'm just excited. Because we get to run 42 miles in 3 days and stay at cabins (with beds! and a real bathroom!) and explore the Rogue River and maybe see a bear!

Then when we return, I will finally realize my dream of living life à la Golden Girls. Or what Golden Girls would be if no one was a senior citizen and two of the roommates were dogs. So even better. My point being, Danielle and Charlie are moving in with me and Mozzie and we are going to have some crazy adventures I'm sure. Commencing phase one of trail commune!

And then...running, more running, The Avett Brothers concert, camping, exploring, living the dream. I'm on the waitlist for FingerLakes 50K, so I'm just going to train as if I'll get in. If I don't run that race, I'll run another. Plenty of fish in the sea. Or races in the trail. Or whatever. I'm planning on running a shitload of miles anyway because there's now a neon sign in my brain that won't stop blinking Mind The Ducks. So I'm going to see if I can get in good enough shape to attempt that insanity next year. Phase one, Get On Board The Nutrition Train, has begun. Cookie consumption is way down and spinach consumption is way up. Phase two, Talk About MTD Incessantly Until Others Get Annoyed Agree To Join You, is coming soon. My only hesitation is that the race is on a paved path and I don't know if my body can handle that for 12 hours. But maybe I'll try those Hoka shoes or look for a similar race on trails or a softer path. Who knows? Anything can happen. And that's the way I like it.

Lyric of the moment: "I cannot live, I can't breathe unless you do this with me. Hey, oh, here I am (do this with me), and here we go, life's waiting to begin (do this with me)..." ~Angels and Airwaves "The Adventure" (Phase two begins subtly).

Things you won't regret

I've noticed there are some things that I never regret doing: eating salad, getting rid of things, wearing pajama tops as shirts. It was not my first instinct to reach for salad when hungry or be ruthless in eliminating things from my house or shop for clothes in the pajama section. But over time I've learned that I always feel better after eating salad (Think about it. "Man, I really shouldn't have eaten all those vegetables" or "Duuude, I partied way too hard on the salad last night" said no one, ever). I've come to realize that I never miss the things I've let go of. I've found that all my softest, most comfortable, and hence most worn, T-shirts came from the pajama section of Target (I've also found that sometimes regular shirts look cute but are mostly just itchy and that trying to find a button up shirt that is not too tight on your boobs or too baggy everywhere else is an exercise in futility. Just give up that fight. Pajama shirts for the win. Seriously, no one will ever know. Unless you write about it on the Internet. Oops. No matter, you can wear that shirt to work and also to bed later. And simplifying your life + being able to go to sleep at any time = winning at adulthood.)

So logically I should remember all this and do more of these things. But I'm not an elephant and sometimes I forget. So this is my reminder.

Dear self, things you won't regret, ever:

• Salad. Eat it, feel good, repeat.

• Getting rid of things. You won't miss them. And getting rid of things you don't need or want frees up space and time for all the important things in life. Like people. And shirts that double as pajamas. Which brings me to my next point:

• Shirts that are also pajamas. Note: just shirts. Pajama bottoms are too obvious. (I got rid of all my pajama bottoms. Except for the ones with hippos on them of course. I mean, what's hipper than hippo pants?)

I bet if you think about it, you can come up with your own "no regrets" list. Things that might not be instinctive but that always make you feel better and happier and more comfortable. Do them and awesomeness will ensue!

Lyric of the moment: "These are the days we've been waiting for. On days like these who could ask for more. Keep them coming 'cause we're not done yet. These are the days we won't regret. These are the days we won't forget..." ~Avicii "These Are The Days"

Medved Madness 2015

Last year when I signed up for Medved Madness, I didn't know what I was getting myself into. This year I did. And for some reason I signed up anyway. Just kidding. I think Madness is a misnomer. I really love this race. It's a beautiful 15ish mile tour of Mendon Ponds Park (the course even goes through the pond at the end of the first loop) and you get an awesome The North Face T-shirt (Double score because this years' shirt was blue! I was thrilled to get a women's tech shirt that wasn't pink or purple. There's nothing wrong with pink and purple, I just don't like it when they are the only option for people with ovaries). The only downside to this race is that it's always on a Sunday and I prefer Saturday races. Still, there are far worse ways to spend a Sunday morning, like ways that don't include Italian Ice.

Sunday's weather was amazing: sunny and in the high 60s. Way nicer than last year. This race would be my longest run thus far in 2015 so I was intending to take it easy. So when I came upon Alison and Bob during the first loop, I thought oops! There's no way I should be up here. I'm going to pay for this later. But I figured it would be good training to try and stay with them for as long as I could, tire myself out and then somehow convince myself to keep going until the finish. So that's what I did. For some reason I kept thinking about "full ocean breaths," which is something yoga teachers say that I don't understand. I don't know how to breathe like an ocean. But it does help when I remind myself to take deeper breaths and relax.

Photo by Ron Heerkens Jr

Most of this race is kind of a blur. I remember some gorgeous dry trails and some nice downhills, with a couple of shoe-sucking muddy spots and some fields. I walked some of the uphills and cruised on the downhills. At one point Alison and I almost missed a turn, but luckily Dennis was behind us and yelled "left!" so we went the right way. The course was well marked, I'm just usually paying more attention to the ground immediately in front of me than to the trail markers. The first two 5ish mile loops seemed to go by pretty quickly, but the last loop went on For.Ev.Er. During one stretch of the last loop, we passed runners from a 5K race going in the other direction. Their race bibs said something about stethoscopes. Bob said "Oh, sturgeons and stethoscopes, must be a fishing race!" and I was so tired it took me a minute to get the joke.

I was thrilled to finally see Cardiac Hill, because I knew once I got up it I'd be almost done. It was a slow hike up the hill, but I was happy that my butt hurt only from mountain biking and not from the hill. Then it was just a short, mostly downhill run to the finish. Once I saw the finish line, my legs took off sprinting. Funny how they pretend to be so tired and then as soon as they see the Rita's Italian Ice tent, they suddenly find hidden reserves of energy. Seriously though, I was really hot by the end of this race and in that moment, the icy, sugary goodness of strawberry Italian ice was the best thing ever. Then Dan gave me a popsicle and that was awesome too.

Another great day of great fun with great people! May the madness continue!

Lyric of the moment: "Who will see the beauty in your life? And who will be there to hear you when you call? Who will see the madness in your life? And who will be there to catch you if you fall?" Fra Lippo Lippi "Beauty and Madness"

That time I survived mountain biking

Mountain biking is one of those things I said I'd never do. As a kid, it took me an embarrassingly long time to learn to ride a bike. Reading, math, tree climbing? Piece of cake. But bike riding? My brain was all, You want me to do what, now? Windows has encountered a critical problem and needs to restart. Homey don't play that. But I was nothing if not annoyingly persistent as a child, so I did eventually learn to ride without training wheels. Though not terribly well. More like just terribly.




Thanks to Eric for the pictures!

Fast forward to Thursday night's group run at Whiting Rd Park. Eric and Sheila were talking about mountain biking there on Friday night. Pete was thinking about going and I was like phew, I don't have a mountain bike. That is a perfect excuse to not get roped into joining that scary shit. But then Eric said I could ride Sheila's mountain bike since she just got a new fat bike (The term fat bike makes me think simultaneously of Queen's "Bicycle Race" and "Fat Bottomed Girls" and now I really want to hear a mash-up of those songs). Pete is a strong mountain biker and most of his stories of biking with friends include people flying over their handlebars or breaking ribs. And I've spent my life actively avoiding doing both of those things. So I was a bit apprehensive. But life is for doing, not whining. Or something. So I tried it.



I found a tree to climb. Of course.

It was actually pretty fun. I had to walk my bike up a few hills because I'm not good at turning and it's hard to get momentum on twisty trails and I would get stuck and not be able to get enough turnover to make it up the hill. But I did make it all the way up some of the hills. And most importantly, I didn't fall. I had a few very near misses. You know, those moments of sheer panic where you're like oh shit, this is rapidly turning into a terrible idea, you idiot. I don't know how you are still upright right now. Something in the universe must be looking out for you. But I survived. And all my bones remain unbroken, which is the way I like them.

At some point I will probably be coerced into doing this again. And I can only hope my streak of not dying in a horrible biking accident continues.

Lyric of the moment: "And if you hold on tight to what you think is your thing, you may find you're missing all the rest..." ~Dave Matthews Band "Best of what's around"

Adventures in "cooking"

In the past two weeks I have discovered the secret to cooking. Or to be more accurate, I should say "cooking" or "feeding oneself from things you find in your kitchen." Semantics aside, the secret is this: throw a bunch of stuff in a bowl and call it salad. Spinach, frozen veggies you have "cooked" in the microwave, beans, beets (from a can of course. who has time for doing whatever it is you do with beets before you eat them?), couscous, cheese, bow-tie pasta (because bow ties are cool), hummus, honey mustard dressing, (those peas you found in the freezer that said best if used by 06 13 and you weren't sure if that meant June 13th or June 2013 but you decided to give peas a chance anyway), whatever. Just put it in a bowl, mix it around and then eat it. Voila! Lunch. Dinner. Second dinner. No wait, second dinner can never be salad. It just can't. Cheese and crackers, yes. PB sandwich, obviously. But salad is for first meals only.

Some people are culinary masters and that's cool. To them I raise my chocolate milk in toast and say, did I mention I'm looking for a roommate? But me over here, I'm a culinary slacker. I'm just looking to get the most amount of nutrients and deliciousness into my mouth in the least amount of time. My whole random shit+bowl=salad thing takes 10 minutes or less. Which is of the utmost importance to me. Because every minute spent "cooking" is a minute I'm not doing this:

 

or this:

 

Priorities. Am I right?

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for the contents of this post. I haven't eaten sugar in 2 weeks. I'm trying to get rid of this never-ending cold and sugar depresses the immune system, so cookies and I are on a break. You guys, there are 5 sea-salt dark chocolate bars in my pantry that remain uneaten! I haven't even wanted to eat them. Inconceivable, right? It's possible that I have been replaced by a pod person.

I'm a little worried about it because sugar is my only vice and if I give that up, what is left? Clean living? What fun is that? Just kidding. I will never give it up. A life without dessert is no life I want to live. It's just that I think from now on sugar and I are going to be casual acquaintances who only see each other at parties instead of Siamese twins.

Lyric of the moment: "This is not, this is not really happening. You bet your life it is..." Tori Amos "Cornflake girl"

How to be rich

Step 1: Congratulations! You're already rich. How do I know that? It's not because of your top hat and monocle, though those are pretty sweet. It's because true wealth is not about money or material goods, it's about living a meaningful life. Check it out: If you can answer yes to one or more of the following questions, you're already living a life of abundance and prosperity and ridiculous good fortune.  

• Are you alive? Congratulations! You are a member of a very selective club. Most of its former members are now dead, but not you. Way to be alive over there. Enjoy it.

• Are you imperfect? Good for you! That's what makes you unique. Accepting your own imperfections and letting yourself learn and grow will make all the difference. In everything. Ever.

• Do you know other people? Lucky you! Meaningful relationships are the best part of life. Time spent with awesome humans and animals is time well spent. Love them and laugh with them and be ever so grateful for their presence in your life.

• Do you love something? I mean really love it. It can be a sport, a hobby, a job, anything you're passionate about. If you can't think of anything that tickles your fancy, no worries. Just try some new things, wander, explore. Find the things that light you up inside and then do them.

• Do you struggle? Excellent! Attempting challenging things and pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone will open up a whole new world of inner strength and beauty and courage that you may not have been aware you were hiding under there.

See how wealthy you are? Look at you over there, living a life rich with experience and individuality and people and passion and expansion. I for one am quite impressed. A toast to you and your amazing life! Here's to many more years that are rich with awesomeness.

Lyric of the moment: "I wanna have friends that I can trust, that love me for the man I've become, not the man I was. I wanna fit into the perfect space, feel natural and safe in a volatile place. And I wanna grow old without the pain, give my body back to the earth and not complain..." ~Avett Brothers "The Perfect Space"