Instructions for the new year

Whatever 2013 brings, I want to make the best of it, so I'm writing myself a few instructions for being a better robot...

Breathe.

Relax.

Be. Content, grateful, curious, optimistic.

Do what you love.

Let go. Of worry, judgments, expectations, sugar.

Embrace opportunities and experiences.

Love your life and everyone in it.

Also, what they said:

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need." ~Tao Te Ching

“He who is not contented with what he has would not be contented with what he would like to have.” ~Socrates  

Lyric of the moment: "For long you live and high you fly, and smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry. And all you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be..."

A choose your own adventure kind of life

Christmas, I'm sorry I doubted you. It's not you, it's me. I never fully believe anything until it actually happens. And even then, I question it, doubt it, poke at it, not trusting that it's real, wondering if it's just a dream.

I've never liked getting gifts. It makes me uncomfortable, like I haven't done anything to deserve them. I've never believed that, out of all the possible options, someone would ever choose me. Continually, every day, forever.

But it's ok. Maybe I don't get one great love story. Maybe I get a bunch of weird, hilarious, epic ones. Maybe I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I've always preferred the ridiculous and the impossible to the traditional. It kind of makes sense that I would end up here, in this choose your own adventure kind of life where anything could happen. I have no idea how it's going to end, but for once I'm going to be patient and enjoy the journey to get there. If I end up on a path that I don't love, I can choose at any time to take a different route. Because if nothing else, I always have me, with all my restless energy and crazy indomitable will.

I'm starting to think that maybe it's not about finding what I'm looking for, or even knowing what I'm looking for, that it's about becoming the person who can see what is already there in front of me.

I don't know. As usual, I don't have any answers. But I do have dark chocolate covered pretzels, which taste better anyways.

Christmas did bring me a bunch of gift cards and tickets to shows. Yay for future adventures! Plus my new friend Elliot. He's a humidifier shaped like an elephant! And the steam comes out of his trunk! The best ever, right? (Yes, I know this product is intended for children, but I don't think there's an age limit on awesomeness).

Lyric of the moment: "And do you ever see yourself in love? And do you ever take a chance, my love? Because you know that I will, because you know that I will...Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight. Prepare for the best and the fastest ride. And reach out your hand and I'll make you mine. Everything, everything's magic..." (Because this is the adventure I would choose.)

Nonsensical logic

Sometimes Christmas puts me in a mood. I want it to be all magical and meaningful and romantic and when it doesn't turn out that way I feel like an idiot for being sucker punched by my own optimism. I knew it was getting bad when the season finale of How I Met Your Mother made me cry. So I did the only logical thing...I bought Wonder Woman underwear. I was walking through Target and there they were and it just seemed like a sign. I mean, when awesomeness calls, you have to answer.

Sometimes I think I'm failing the Turing Test. But for some reason I keep trying. I don't know why I do some of the things I do. It doesn't make sense. But sometimes I think all the very best things in life transcend logic. So there's that.

Lyric of the moment: "They say that the world is built for two, only worth living if somebody is loving you..."

Things that I hope are ok

Things that I hope are ok. As in, other people sometimes feel/think/do these things too. Otherwise there is probably something wrong with me.

*Feeling simultaneously grateful for every mile I can run and also being all this shit is bananas whenever my freakin' tendon acts up.

*Eating the good stuff out of the trail mix and leaving all the raisins.

*Liking people based on the quality of their hugs.

*Wanting to be someone's first choice, someone's best, one true whatever. And feeling sad at the thought that this may never happen. Then deciding not to think about things like that because I'd rather spend my time feeling awesome, not sad.

*Not believing that the world will actually end on Friday, but thinking that if it did, it would be an amazing event to witness. And hoping that of all the possible apocalypses, it would be zombies.

*Wanting more reasons to stay up late. And also more sleep.

*Having questions. About everything.

*Starting a book, realizing I'm not that into it, returning it to the library and getting something I can't wait to read instead.

*Being happy when the Magic 8 Ball answers: without a doubt. Because at least someone in this house is capable of certainty, even if he is made of plastic.
Lyric of the moment: "The best things in life aren't things. They're living and breathing. The best things in life aren't things. They're something you can believe in..."

Ridiculous things

I can't remember ever trying to impress anyone. First of all, there's nothing particularly impressive about me. Secondly, why would I pretend to be something I'm not? I want people to like me for who I am. So I have to be who I am. The good, the bad and the ugly.

Sometimes what I am is a person who, when overtired, says things that are ridiculous and/or probably better left unsaid. But I'd rather err on the side of honesty than omission.

It occurred to me that maybe I have been afraid to like anyone because what if he doesn't like me back? My gut reaction is that would be sad. But the truth is that all it would be is a blatant sign that he is not the right guy for me. And I'd rather have unrequited feelings that no feelings at all.

Sometimes...ok, often times, I do this thing where I ponder all the what ifs of a situation, all the things that could go wrong. And I mean crazy, ridiculously improbable things. And then I ask myself if it's worth the risk. The answer is almost always yes.

Because the good things can't get in if I don't open myself up to them. And yeah, some less than desirable things might sneak in too, but I'll learn from them or laugh at them or make the best of them and keep going.

So whatever happens, I think it will be good. Though I really hope the next guy I date, if he decides to break up with me, does so in a robot voice. Because that would take something sad and turn it into something amazing.

Lyric of the moment: "So I'll be bold as well as strong. And use my head alongside my heart..."

Graced with clumsiness

In what can only be described as an act of unparalleled grace, I whacked my knee hardcore at the gym Friday morning. It takes a certain amount of skill to injure oneself while getting off a treadmill. But the bruise is pretty sweet. And I think my tendons and I may be starting to reconcile.

I spent the weekend with friends old and new and I laughed so hard my face hurt. Every time that happens I think, this is the life.

Today I ran 7 miles at the gym (the last mile of which I was unfortunately stuck between Mr. Coughing-like-I-have-SARS and Mr. Wearing-way-too-much-cologne. Seriously? This is a gym, not da club), then took a glorious nap and relaxed at home. I ordered Chinese food and the old woman who delivered it said "It's hailing out here. Did you bring this snow? I love you baby." I can't decide if that is crazy or the best ever.

I feel that way about a lot of things.

Fortune cookies say: "Love is on the way" and "Just wait for the right moment. Keep your eyes and ears peeled." I hope the cookies are right.

I think on 12/21/12 I'm going to rent the movie Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World. And anyone who wants in is more than welcome to join me.

Lyric of the moment: "Why do we fall in love so easy? Even when it's not right. Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame. Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned. But just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die. You've gotta get up and try and try and try.."

Waiting for the Tardis

Yes! Story of my life.

Lately I just want someone to hug me and tell me that I'm not a mean, awful, broken down robot with no feelings. But I doubt that is going to happen so I've been watching Doctor Who instead.

And I love it. The Doctor is quirky and funny and British and best of all, travels through space and time. He is the consummate adventurer. But it seems highly unlikely that a man and his blue box will ever appear at my doorstep, so I'm going to have to find my own Tardis. Though in my version, all the robots would be for good, not for evil.

The thing I find sad about Doctor Who is that he has some kick-ass companions over the years but he never has a long-term partner. Maybe that's the price of life as an explorer.

There are so many things I want to see and do and read and climb and eat, but I have plenty of time for all that (hopefully). Life is exciting and funny and amazing and I want to experience all of it. But I don't want to do it alone.

Maybe the life I want is impossible and I should give up on it. But I don't think I can. I will probably always be searching, just on the off chance it might be out there somewhere.

Lyric of the moment: "He can show you the planets, he can show you the stars, he can love you more because he's got two hearts..."

Kinda sorta some of the time

Over the weekend, I watched the movie Ruby Sparks at a friend's place. I didn't like most of the characters, (except for the dog. And Antonio Banderas!) or the way it ended, but I found the subject very interesting. The main character is a writer, struggling to follow up the success of his first novel and with his personal relationships. He invents a female character who becomes real and whatever he writes about her actually happens. Whenever she does something he doesn't like, he runs to his typewriter and changes her. They get into a big fight which culminates in a heartbreaking scene that is hard to watch without wanting to punch him in the face. He is jealous, whiny, needy, controlling and acts like a complete asshole. But it all stems from his underlying loneliness and insecurities, and ultimately he does the right thing. Which doesn't excuse his behavior, but makes him entirely human. And I have such a soft spot for humans. So while I wanted to dislike him, I mostly felt bad for him. My favorite part was his monologue at the end, where he says "falling in love is an act of magic." Because I hope it's true.

We all want to be accepted for who we are. But I think we're a lot more likely to find an accepting and loving partner if we ourselves are an accepting and loving partner. Relationships aren't about controlling the other person and always getting our way. They're about love and compromise and making a continual, conscious choice to be with someone and give him/her our best.

Or at least that's the kind of relationship I would want. So I hope it exists. And that I kinda sorta know what I'm talking about. Some of the time.

Lyric of the moment: "I guess we thought that's just what humans do. Letting darkness grow, as if we need its palette and we need its color. But now I've seen it through, and now I know the truth. That anything could happen. Baby, I'll give you everything you need. But I don't think I need you..."