Lingual Braces. AKA the mini metal army of misery

It is only day 5 of having lingual braces and I am already regretting it. My mouth hurts. I have a weird lisp. I can't chew anything. My tongue is about to report me to OSHA for hazardous working conditions because every time it tries to move it smashes up against sharp metal objects and it's becoming quite irritated by the whole ordeal. And this is just the start. So far, I only have the braces on the back of my bottom teeth. In a couple weeks I have to go back to get the top ones installed. Happy Happy Joy Joy (sarcasm explosion).

I must point out that my annoyance is only at myself and not at the architects of the metal misery mechanisms in my mouth. Comella Orthodontics is the friendliest, most welcoming office I've ever been to. And I've been around the orthodontia block before. If you're going to let anyone poke around in your mouth and cement tiny metal torture devices there, they're the ones you want to do it. They even sent Pete and I a congratulations card after the wedding. And getting the braces installed was one of the more, shall we say, interesting experiences of my life. I was originally supposed to go in on the 23rd but they called and asked if I could go in on the 14th instead and offered me a $200 discount. My desire to procrastinate at getting braces indefinitely was trumped by my desire to save $200 so I agreed. I did sort of wonder why they were giving me $200 but I wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth. (I have never really understood that expression but it seems appropriate here). When I arrived, I filled out the paperwork, forked over far more than $200 and then the receptionist said "Go on back, they're all waiting for you!" Um, all?! What? Who? Apparently, this was some kind of teaching exercise and dental professionals had flown in from as far away as Colorado to stare at my mouth as it was invaded by a miniature metal army that would destroy my dreams of eating bagels and pizza. So the braces got put on. Everyone was very excited by the whole process. Except me. I was just like what is happening here? Sand is in my mouth, they are shining lights on my teeth, everyone wants to be the one who takes off the plastic holder once the braces are put in place, it's all very confusing. But evidently I was a model patient because they were all like "You're doing great, I hope my first patient is as good as you are." The things I will do for $200, man.

So anyway, nothing against the orthodontists, they are great. My sense of regret comes from wondering if I made the wrong choice or made the choice for the wrong reasons. My teeth were not straight, but they were functional. Now they are becoming straighter but they are not very functional. And I know eventually they will be both straight and functional. But am I subjecting my mouth to a year and half of suffering because someone else pointed out a flaw I hadn't noticed but then felt compelled to fix for fear that it would only get worse? Am I allowing myself to be confined by other peoples' opinions, however professional, instead of choosing the path of authenticity and freedom? I am torn between wanting self-improvement and wanting to just be happy with who I am and how I look. I still want to be the best possible version of me. The key word being me. Not others' expectations or opinions of how I should be. I don't know. All I know is that I just really, really want to eat a bagel right now. And pizza. All the pizza. And I can't. And that is making me sad. Pizza, I pine for you.

Lyric of the moment: "It's ok, it's alright, nothing's wrong. Tell Mr. Man with impossible plans to just leave me alone. In the place where I make no mistakes. In the place where I have what it takes..." ~Elliott Smith "Waltz #2 (XO)"

Ossian Mountain Run 2015

Saturday morning, standing in the rain with goosebumps from the dampness and chill, waiting around to run uphill for 8 miles, I wondered why I had signed up for this race. But of course I knew why I had signed up for this race. It sounded hard. And the hard things are the most worth doing.

Thanks to Sheila for the photos above and below.

The Ossian Mountain Run takes place on some beautiful single track trails around the ski resort in Swain, NY (though I use the term resort loosely. It looked more like a ghost town). It's a 4 mile loop on some sweet mountain bike trails and you have the choice to run it once or twice. I did the 8 mile race. Because the only thing better than 4 miles of hills is 8 miles of hills. Or something like that.

Infinity of thanks to the Valones for driving us to the race and to Jeff for running with me and giving me chocolate milk afterwards. Waiting at the start, looking around at everyone else who showed up to run this race, all of them much better runners than I am, I felt like I was probably in over my head. But that has never stopped me before. Plus at that point I just wanted to start running so I could get warm. We started uphill, of course. There was a lot of steep uphill and steep downhill, the kind where you just have to keep going and hope for the best because you couldn't stop if you tried. The trails were slick with mud and I felt like I was an injury waiting to happen. But luckily I didn't fall at all. There were more than a few close calls, but no actual falls.



For most of the first loop, Jeff and I ran with Eric, who was doing the 4 mile in his triumphant return  to racing after an injury. I can't recall a single local race where Eric and Sheila weren't either race directing or spectating/volunteering so it was nice to see Eric get a chance to be on the running side of things again. I think it took us about an hour to complete the first loop. I was just happy we hadn't gotten lapped by the winner. Jeff and I headed back out for the second loop, knowing the steep, slippery descents that awaited us but trying not to think about it. Despite being slow and feeling bad for holding Jeff back, I was having a great time. The weather was perfect for running. My legs felt heavy at first and I got a side stitch but I just took a salt tab and thought eh, better here than at Water Gap 50K next month. Once I got warmed up, my legs and stomach felt fine. We were having fun running through the mud, chatting and appreciating the stellar views and mostly just trying to stay upright.

Finish photo by the legendary Valone. I sat in his Subaru.

Race Director Andy had said something before the race about how the secret to mountain biking is to "fully commit or die." I think that's the secret to most things in life. You can't let your fear - of failure or embarrassment or faceplanting - hold you back. Sometimes you just have to take the leap and trust your feet to find their way. Sometimes when you go over that hill you will find that it is actually a bike jump and there is 4 feet of nothing between you and the ground. Sometimes you will forget that and do the same thing on the second loop. It's all part of the adventure.

I was nervous for this race and probably for good reason. I'm okay at uphills but far too hesitant on the downhills. I'm working on it though. I'm trying to trust that my limbs will find the way. Only sometimes it's hard to trust my limbs because they're always bruised and I'm still not sure what kind of trouble they get into while I'm sleeping. But I got to run some awesomely slippery and scenic trails and all my bones stayed on the inside where I like them, so there's that. And there's no better way to spend a Saturday morning than at a good race with good company, with chocolate milk in one hand and a cookie in the other.

Lyric of the moment: "Out there's a world that calls for me. Heading out into the unknown. Wayfaring strangers and all kinds of danger. Please don't say I'm going alone. To the ends of the earth would you follow me? There's a world that was meant for our eyes to see..." ~Lord Huron "Ends of the Earth"

Home

I've noticed that when I'm stressed out or worried about something it's because I'm holding on to things that I don't need, be it fear, my own or others' expectations or the idea that I "should" be or feel a certain way. And when I relax and let go of those things, the stress and worry dissipate and I get back to the place where I trust that everything will work out and life will continue its arc towards maximum awesomeness. I like to spend as much time as I can in that place.

For a while I was stuck on this idea that Pete and I needed to find a house before we got married because it would be weird to be married and still going back and forth between our two houses. It looked like things were working out. We made an offer on a beautiful house the day before our wedding. But there were two other offers and we didn't get the house. So the search continues. And maybe it is weird. But I am weird. And oddly, it has always worked out pretty well for me. I really loved that house, but I didn't feel that disappointed when we didn't get it. It's not the house that makes the home, it's the people in it. I can be happy living anywhere. Because if you're at home in yourself, everywhere you go is home.

Lyric of the moment: "I'll follow you into the park, through the jungle, through the dark. I've never loved one like you. Moats and boats and waterfalls, alley ways and pay phone calls. I've been everywhere with you. We laugh until we think we'll die, barefoot on a summer night. Never could be sweeter than with you. And in the streets we're running free, like i's only you and me. Geez, you're something to see. Ahh, home, let me come home. Home is wherever I'm with you..." ~Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros "Home"

Notes to self: life lessons

Things to always make time for:

• People
• Running (or yoga, SUP, strength training, etc. Just move.)
• Adventure
• Reading
• Ice cream

Things you might think you need but you don't need:

• Closure
• Everyone to like you

Things that might seem like a good idea but aren't:

• Strapless dresses (So cute and yet, never ever worth the constant pulling up/readjusting. Straps = ease + comfort. Straps are your friend.)
• Eyebrow waxing (It hurts. And then your face still looks exactly the same.)

Things that might seem like a bad idea but aren't:

• One more hill

How to choose when both options are bad:

• Chose the side of reason. Choose the side that isn't forcing you to choose sides. Make the choice that gets you closer to being the person you want to be.

How to choose when both options are good:

• Choose both. Like getting married but still living part of the time with your awesome roommate until you and your husband find a new house. But don't accidentally almost flash your roommate because you forgot your bathrobe when exiting the bathroom. Um yeah, don't do that. Again.

Miscellaneous:

• It is hard to climb a tree while wearing a dress. Unless you are wearing shorts under the dress. It is a good idea to think of latter before doing the former.

Lyric of the moment: "And oh my love remind me, what was it that I said? I can't help but pull the earth around me, to make my bed. And oh my love remind me, what was it that I did? Did I drink too much? Am I losing touch? Did I build this ship to wreck?" ~Florence + The Machine "Ship to Wreck"

That time I got married

I didn't think I'd ever get married, and I probably wouldn't have if I hadn't met Pete. When I was younger I never dreamed about weddings. I dreamed of becoming independently wealthy. But life is funny. On Memorial Day weekend, Pete asked me to marry him and on Labor Day weekend I did. And on our wedding day, looking around at all the wonderful and amazing people who came to celebrate the occasion with us, I felt like the richest person in the world.

There are no words that can fully express the enormity of my incredulity that this day was even possible nor my gratitude that it was. And even though it was hot as balls and I look terrible in all the pictures and the officiant said "Pete and Joe" at one point before correcting it to "Pete and Jen" (and wrote 9/6/5 as the date on our marriage certificate. Yes, it has only felt like a few days to me too, but apparently we have been married since the year 5), the wedding was everything we wanted it to be. We played catch, we walked on stilts, we ate BBQ and cake and cookies, we danced for 3 hours, we laughed and hugged and made the best of a sweaty situation.

We didn't do a lot of the traditional things everyone does. We didn't spend a lot of money. I didn't wear makeup or diamonds or have a bouquet. My dress came from Macy's and cost $100. I got my hair done at the HairZoo. I spent the day before our wedding and the morning of our wedding running instead of doing whatever it is normal brides do. We didn't have a photographer or a DJ or a seating chart or a limo or bridesmaids/groomsmen. Pete saw me in my dress before the ceremony. The ceremony was literally five minutes long. But it was a beautiful day with some of the best humans I know and it was a perfect start to our adventures in marriage.

The pictures don't do it justice, but here are some of them. If I am making weird faces in all of them, it's only because I could not stop laughing/smiling the entire day. Thank you to all our friends and family for the photos. 

All the thank yous in the universe to my family and friends. I was truly humbled and overwhelmed by your generosity and well wishes and I am eternally grateful for your presence in my life. I am infinitely better for having known you. Meaningful relationships are the true riches of life. And I am the luckiest because I have all of you in mine.

Lyric of the moment: "For all the places I have been, I'm no place without you..." ~Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness "Cecilia and the Satellite"

Impossible things before breakfast

Excitement is reaching critical levels. I fear an explosion may be imminent. That is not even hyperbole. I woke up to inexplicable leg bruises and a weird spot of blood on my pillowcase. It is possible I am quite literally bursting with excitement. Every day I am doing things I never thought I could do. 5am backwards spider crawls and running for hours in the woods and shared bank accounts and being in a wedding. Like IN it, in it. Not just the supporting cast. This is my life now and it is everything I ever wanted and more. I am the strongest and luckiest and happiest I've ever been. And it's because of you. Your innate awesomeness has enriched my life beyond measure and I am eternally grateful to have met you on this little blue planet spinning 'round the sun.

There is a line in Alice in Wonderland where the Queen says "Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." And I always wish it said "Sometimes I've done as many as six impossible things before breakfast." Because why are we here if not to chase our wildest, most impossible dreams and make them possible?

A lot of things are still uncertain. Where Pete and I are going to live, for one. But I'm not going to worry about it. Life is uncertain. Just enjoy the ride and make the best of it and eventually everything will work out. Or something like that. It's not where I spend the rest of my life that matters, it's who I spend it with and what I spend it doing. So hopefully I'll be spending it with Pete and all of you and getting up to so many impossible adventures.

Lyric of the moment: "You are the best thing, you are the best thing, you are the best thing, ever happened to me..." ~Ray LaMontagne "You Are The Best Thing"

How to adult

As kids, we can't wait to be adults and do whatever we want to do. But as adults, I think we sometimes forget that the awesomeness of adulthood is that you get to do whatever you want. If you don't want to do something, you don't have to do it. You may have to deal with the consequences of not doing it, but at least you have the choice.

Out of all the wedding tasks, I naively thought that making a seating chart would be one of the easy ones. Order some cute table cards and fill them out. I was half right. The first part is easy. The second part is near impossible. After hearing complaints from people who didn't want to sit next to certain other people, I had an epiphany: screw it, we're opting out of this nonsense. These people are adults and they can sit wherever they want. This is not a day for petty conflicts or drama. This is a day for eating, drinking, playing games, dancing, and walking on stilts. This is a day for having cake and cookies too. This is a day for being merry and getting married. So that's what we're going to do.

And that, my friends, is my new adult philosophy. If something is unnecessarily complicated or stressful, I'm going to opt out of it. If I don't want to do it, I'm not going to do it. Because I'm an adult and I said so.

Lyric of the moment: "Don't worry about a thing, 'cause every little thing gonna be all right..." ~Bob Marley "Three Little Birds"

On embracing the uncertainty

Life is nothing if not uncertain. Sometimes that uncertainty can be a bit overwhelming. What if I take this big leap and it doesn't work out? What if I attempt this big, epic thing and I fail? The fears will try to hold you back. The Doubts will try to convince you that you can't, that you don't have what it takes, that everyone will laugh at you. I do not know if it is possible to eradicate fear and doubt. Probably that's a bad idea anyway. But I do know that you can just tell those naysayers So what?

So what if I'm tired? I will keep going. So what if I fall? I will get back up. So what if I fail? I will try again, try harder, try better. So what if this thing I worked so hard to build gets knocked down? I will use the pieces to build something even more awesome. So what if I don't know what's going to happen? I will do what I can to make the best of it.

Here's the truth: the more you embrace reality instead of resisting or avoiding it, the easier and more joyful life becomes. That doesn't mean it will be all sitting on rainbows eating cake all day. There will be challenges, sorrow, loss. Embrace those things too. Let them open you up and teach you and strengthen you. The more open you are to life, the more awesomeness can get in. And there will be awesomeness. So much that you will wonder how it is even possible.

Lyric of the moment: "Come with fears, come with love. Come however you are. Just come, come along. Come with friends, come with faults. Come however you are. Just come, come along. Come with me, and let go...Come, come along. Come with sorrows and songs. Come however you are. Just come, come along. Come, let yourself be wrong. Come however you are, just come…" ~Damien Rice "Trusty and True"

A tale of two ladies. And 26.7 miles.

On Saturday I had the honor of tagging along on Sheila's trail marathon training run at Letchworth State Park. She has basically been running a marathon a week for the past few weeks as part of her training for the Virgil Crest 50 mile race. (Yes, you read that correctly. Fifty miles. The appropriate response is "Damn, girl! You're the epitome of badass!")

I hadn't really intended on running a marathon distance. I was just planning to run by feel, and I thought I'd only make it to 20 miles at most. But it was such a beautiful day with the best of company and the miles just seemed to fly by. Here is the recap, as I recall it:

Gus (The van. He was in full-on Fun Gus mode on Saturday, which means he was actually recognizing and connecting to the iPod. Sometimes he refuses to do so. He is a rather temperamental DJ.) and I left Pete's house at 5:40am and made our way down to Letchworth. We met Sheila, Eric, Valone and Jeff at the Mt. Morris Entrance and parked at the Mt. Morris Dam Overlook Area. Sheila, Jeff and I headed out on Trail 20 around 6:45am. (Note: all further descriptions of this run are approximate because I have the worst sense of direction and I never have any idea where I am at any given time. But all of the following events happened at Letchworth Park, New York State, Earth 2015. In the Berenstain Bears Dimension, apparently. I grew up in the Berenstein Bears Dimension, so how we got here is anyone's guess).

Sheila, Jeff and I took Trail 20 to Trail 19a to Trail 19 to the road. Along the way we passed a stone chimney, which is all that remains of the Civilian Conservation Corps officers' barracks at Gibsonville. The highlight of this part of the run was crossing the stream by the waterfall. And Jeff's selfie skills.

Photo by Jeff. Long arms for the win!

At this point, we said goodbye to Jeff, who ran back to his car and headed off to see Erica's 5K race (To Erica: Congratulations! And this is how it starts. The 5K is the gateway drug to longer and crazier races. Join us!). Sheila and I were running on the road for a bit and saw Eric, Valone and Picasso a few times. They were the best aid station/crew, meeting up with us to offer encouragement and water and fruit roll-ups (I had totally forgotten about the existence of fruit roll-ups and was happy to discover they still make this staple of childhood lunch. What exactly are they made of? Why are there cartoon characters on them? We may never know).

We were on Trail 17 for a bit I think. I mostly blocked it out because it was overgrown and kind of uncool. Then we tried to follow Trail 15, but there must have been a turnoff that we missed because we ended up in a jungle of weeds that was taller than us. We decided to backtrack and run back up to the road. We ran a few miles on the road until we came to Rocky Raccoon, a creative mile marker the guys had made for us out of road kill. Now that is friendship!



Just chilling with his intestines hanging out. (Rocky photos by Sheila.)

We then took Trail 11 on the other side of the road. This trail was not my favorite as it was overgrown with prickers and scratchy weeds. I joked that next time we should bring Edward Scissorhands to run in front of us and clear the way. I think it was on this trail that Eric and Valone were hiding in the bushes and jumped out and scared us. Good times. We crossed back over to the other side of the road and took Trail 13, then Trail 1. We passed the St Helena Picnic Area and Tea Table, which had these really cool stone tables for picnicking. We followed Trail 1 all the way, past Lower Falls, Inspiration Point, Middle Falls and Upper Falls. Along the way, Sheila and I stopped to take pictures with the giant bear statue near the Adventure Calls rafting parking area. If you've never taken a bear selfie or gone on an Adventure Calls rafting trip, I'd make plans to get on that post haste.

Sheila's bear selfie masterpiece

I'm just gonna sit on that bear's hand. You know, as you do.

Trail 1 was also my favorite trail of the whole run. There are a lot of steps, which is kind of a bitch 20 miles in, but the waterfalls are spectacular and more than make up for it. It's the most scenic kind of hill work.

Waterfall selfie by Sheila.

Thanks to Eric and Valone for the running photos and excellent crewing!

Somewhere during our time on Trail 1, Pete texted me that he'd made it to Gus. He had mountain biked from his house to the Genesee Greenway trail and taken that all the way to Letchworth, a total journey of about 43 miles. My friends, this is the man that I'm marrying. He is a tall drink of awesome sauce. I think it was at Inspiration Point that the guys met back up with us and then we had three of the tallest, funniest and best trail runners supporting us the rest of the way. We were 23 miles in by the time we got to the end of the Gorge Trail (Trail 1). We had talked about calling it a day there, but I don't think it was ever really a serious option. We only had about a 5K left to make it a marathon day, so why not?

To marathon or not to marathon? As if that is even a question!

We crossed over the road to Trail 2 and then it was a lot of uphill. But we got to see Council Grounds and Mary Jemison's house and then run downhill to the guys and the cars. By this point, Lisa had arrived as well (yay!). We changed out of our sweaty clothes and drove back down to the Footbridge Nature Shoppe parking lot and walked to the Stone Foot Bridge. More steps and waterfalls and selfies, oh my!

Valone shrugs off bystanders offering to take the picture for us. The selfie is the point.

Then the 6 of us went to Brian's USA Diner for a delicious lunch. Pete and I were tired and went home to relax and eat PB&J and Chex Mix for dinner. Sheila, Eric and Picasso hiked to a lean-to for the night, then hiked out again and ran more miles, making it a 70 mile week for Sheila! You can read more about her awesomeness here.

On Sunday, Chabot texted me to suggest that I blog my race calendar because it seems like I'm doing a cool trail event every weekend. I never really thought about it, but I guess I am doing a cool trail event every weekend. Sometimes I can't even believe that this is my life and these are my people. How did I get to know so many amazingly talented and hilarious and kind hearted people who want to run all the miles and have all the adventures, people who I can talk to about anything and everything and who accept me for who I am, no matter how sweaty and dirty that may be? I am the luckiest ever.

Truth be told, I sort of had a meltdown on Friday night. Because, life man. Shit is getting real around here. I can run an impromptu marathon training run no problem, but when the hairdresser asked me if I had any pets, it was all I could do to keep from crying. In less than two weeks I'm getting married. And then I will have a husband (who is in a deployable unit in the Reserves) and a new last name and a step-daughter and a step-granddaughter. And I don't know if I have what it takes to do those things well. I feel woefully unprepared. But running, that I can do. I can run for hours and hours and not feel tired. Or feel tired but not enough to stop. But it's just as important to know when not to run, when to stay and feel the uncomfortable things and ugly cry in front of the person you love the most and have the hard conversations about the hard things. And that my friends, is the most epic of adventures.

Lyric of the moment: "So hear this please. And watch as your heart speeds up endlessly. And look for the stars as the sun goes down. Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound. Everything, everything's magic. Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight. Prepare for the best and the fastest ride. And reach out your hand, and I'll make you mine. Everything, everything's magic..." ~Angels & Airwaves "Everything's Magic"



Truth and burritos

The truth about love is that it's inexorably linked to loss. The truth about strength is that it's not synonymous with stoicism. The truth about burritos is that they are delicious.
Saturday afternoon, I took Mozzie to his new home, which is basically like a doggy nirvana. Debbie and her dogs are the sweetest and I know Mozzie will be happy and well loved there. But it was still hard to let go. I would have been a mess had it not been for the endorphins (from Saturday morning's run on some of the Mighty Mosquito course) and the company (infinity of thanks to Laura and Alison for going with me).

Inadvertently, we had managed to plan a burrito-themed party to celebrate Danielle's upcoming Squamish 50K adventure the night before we had planned a 45 mile roundtrip bike trip to Burrito Fresco in Brockport. Happiest, most burrito-filled of coincidences! So the rest of the weekend I was distracted by adventures in consuming iced chai and ice cream and buying Déjà Poo at Parkleigh (because it smells good and is the most hilariously named bathroom air freshener) and having a burrito & fire pit party to celebrate Danielle's awesomeness and biking on the Erie Canal Path from Brighton to Brockport and back, with a stop for burrito lunch (Regrettably, I didn't get pictures of the best graffiti from the canal path. My favorite is the one that says something like "I tried to paint your face but it was too pretty to capture." Runner up: "Bitch took my space" with an arrow pointing to the graffiti below it). But then it was Sunday night and I was trying to avoid going home for a bit longer because I didn't want to face the emptiness of a Mozzie-less house. Pete made me dinner and made me laugh, which are two of the nicest things you can do for someone. But then I knew I had to go home. Sometimes life is sad and you can't burrito your way out of it. Sometimes the only way past is through.



Photo thanks to Laura's phone & random dude on the Erie Canal Trail

The truth is that sometimes you just have to go through all the feels. Sometimes you feel happy and sad simultaneously. Sometimes it feels uncomfortable. But that's ok. It's all ok. You can just feel however it is you feel. You don't have to judge it or feel bad about it or pretend you're ok when you're not. I don't think strength is about never showing your feelings. I think it's about being honest about them. Whenever I do that, a funny thing happens and I just feel this overwhelming sense of gratitude. Sometimes life is sad. But it is also beautiful and amazing and filled with the kindest, most awesome of people.

Lyric of the moment: "I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you..." ~Ben Folds "The Luckiest"