Still outgrowing that awkward phase

Why is it that I'm 30 years old and I still feel like the akward teen with the glasses, braces and orange headgear? (Yes, orange headgear. It was as hideous as it sounds) It's ridiculous. I remember being at school dances and wanting so desperately for someone to ask me to dance and being afraid that no one ever would. I hated that feeling, the waiting around to be chosen, as if someone else had to legitimate that I was special and worthy. I decided I would never wait around for anyone. I would do the things I wanted to do and I didn't need someone else to make it ok for me to have the life I want.

And for the most part I do have the life I want. I've done a lot of fun things and met some interesting people. It's not my dream life where I live on a beach somewhere warm and am independently wealthy, but it's a pretty sweet life nonetheless. Still, I can't shake the feeling that, as they say, you're no one until someone loves you. It's hard not to feel left out, like there's something wrong with me that other people got chosen and I didn't.

Oy, maybe I need to find a roommate or something. Living alone is sad.

Lyric of the moment: "There's one thing I want to say so I'll be brave. You were what I wanted. I gave what I gave. I'm not sorry I met you. I'm not sorry it's over. I'm not sorry there's nothing to save..."

One door closes, many more open

It's a good thing I'm not made out of metal because I'd probably be rusty now. I've been crying a lot these past few days. It happens. Sometimes life is sad. If I'm honest with myself, I hadn't been happy in a couple months. I wanted things to work out, but I was letting myself be bullied into doing things I didn't want to do and I was turning into someone I didn't want to be. I gave everything I had but it still wasn't enough. And I thought that meant that I wasn't enough. Then Dangers said that he hated how the relationship was limiting me and my awesomeness, and I realized he had a point. I don't want things in my life that make me feel bad about myself. I want to be the happy person that I am at heart.
As much as I feel hurt and sad right now, I also feel a sense of freedom and possibility. I'm sick again (I still can't shake this stupid chest cold. I think it's from all the stress of the past months), I'm single and there is a hole in my ceiling, but I feel strangely optimistic, as if anything could happen, and I can't wait to see what's next.

Read in a magazine: "Every single thing you are living right now, no matter how difficult, is here to help you become the most empowered person you can possibly imagine." I really hope that's true.

Lyric of the moment: "If this is what love is and if this is what trust is, count me out..."

Sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead

I wrote this whole thing about Thanksgiving weekend and all the fun and pie. Then tonight Mike and I broke up and now all I can think about is a quote from the movie The Holiday...

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you...You still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy."

I'm happy for all the good times we had and sad for the end. This is my second break up this year and I feel like such a mess. But I'll always be grateful for all the times I felt less like a robot and more like a real person.

I guess I'm still searching for something. They say the easiest way to find something is to stop looking. But it's not in my nature to stop. I like thinking of life as a big treasure hunt and, even though it hurts sometimes, I have to keep living with my heart open.

I want to believe that everything will work out for the best, but right now I'm not so sure. I hope there's still some love in my future. But if there's not, I'm glad I got to see what it felt like, if only for a short while.

Lyric of the moment: "It's not that I don't understand you. It's not that I don't want to be with you. But you only wanted me the way you wanted me. So I will head out alone and hope for the best..."

A tale of ceiling holes and zombie bats

If this comes out of your ceiling, you have
real problems. (www.figurerealm.com)

I never cared much for fairy tales. Their happily ever afters were all about a handsome prince, a fancy castle and a lavish wedding. My happily ever after would be more like a zip line, the Paris marathon and a rocket ship. But sometimes, like when there's a hole in the ceiling, it would be nice to have a fairy godmother to come in and bibbidy bobbidy boo everything back together again.

Since I don't have a fairy godmother, I had a mini freak out instead. What if it costs $10,000 to fix? What if I wake up tomorrow and I'm downstairs because my bed fell through the ceiling? What if a zombie bat comes out of the hole? You know, because things like that happen all the time.

The problem is that the bathroom floor wasn't level so the toilet didn't sit completely flat and over time, it moved around, the seal got loose and water dripped down into the entryway ceiling. The bigger problem is that earlier this year I paid someone to redo my entire bathroom, including a new floor, and I specifically mentioned that it had to be leveled out, but apparently they did not install the new floor correctly because it's still not level. And now there is a hole in the ceiling and I am very annoyed.

I know this is not a huge problem and it will get taken care of one way or another. Mike is going to be my muscle and call the guy who did the bathroom to try to get him to come back and fix it. If that doesn't happen, I will pay someone else to fix the bathroom floor and then fix the entryway ceiling. It will not cost anywhere close to $10,000, the whole second floor isn't going to fall through to the first floor and I don't think zombie bats exist. And if they did, I don't know why they'd be in my ceiling. It's not like I have a house made out of candy like that witch from Hansel and Gretel.

But when things like this happen, I question why I bought a house by myself. I'm not handy. I can't fix any of this shit and if I pay someone else to do it, I don't even know if they're doing a good job or not. I guess this is still an adventure, though it would have been better if treasure had fallen from the hole instead of dirty ceiling water.

Lyric of the moment: "There's a hole in the ceiling down through which I fell. There's a girl in a basement coming out of her shell. And there are people who will say that they knew me so well..."

From the archives

If you ask anyone who's ever lived with me to describe me, they will probably say a) I am very shy at first (but after I get to know you, all bets are off) b) I've gone through phases where I ate nothing but ice cream and c) I ask a lot of questions. A LOT. Usually those questions just lead to more questions. But I do have rare moments of insight. Yesterday, I came across this entry in one of my old journals:

March 20, 2007
Troubles: I just want to be someone's first choice, someone's best, one true whatever. I'd just like to know that that feels like for once.
Reassurances: No worries, little monkey. You are strong. Look how far you have come. Imagine the things you have yet to do, the people you have yet to meet. You are full of infinite potential. Do not be disheartened by moments of weariness and uncertainty. Be as you are and that will be enough. Give your best to every day and everyone. Let go of expectations. The giving itself is its own reward. Life has a way of working out for the best. Love has a way of coming back to those who give it. Have faith that someday, somewhere, you will be loved for all the craziness that is you.

It's funny how in 4 and a half years everything changes and yet nothing changes. I still think too much. I still doubt everything. I am still looking for impossible things.

But I hope I'm still full of infinite potential.

Lyric of the moment: "All of these lines across my face tell you the story of who I am. So many stories of where I've been and how I got to where I am. But these stories don't mean anything when you've got no one to tell them to..."

Lions, tigers, bears and other artists



My new pet

What a perfect fall weekend! The weather was beautiful and made for two good runs: 12 miles on Saturday with Dan and his friends, who are super nice. And a solo 7 mile run in my neighborhood this morning. I decided I'm going to run every day in November, however far I feel like going each day. I usually run 5 days a week but I figure why not make it 7 and give this running streak thing a try. I'm not training for any particular race right now so I'm free to try new things. And if there's one thing I like, it's trying new things.

An elephant after my own heart

Saturday night, Mike and I went to a fundraiser at the zoo featuring art painted by the animals. It was really neat. I was hoping we'd get to watch an elephant paint with its trunk or a penguin waddle across a canvas, but it was still cool to see the paintings even though there weren't any live demonstrations. If I had any artistic ability I'd totally want to be an art teacher for zoo animals. I bought a framed picture of an elephant using a vending machine. I hope he got some Snickers out of there.

Lyric of the moment: "If I were a painter and could paint a memory, I'd climb inside the swirling skies to be with you..."

Onederful

One may be the loneliest number but six of them are onederful. So in celebration of 11/11/11, I ran 1111 rods/perches (ye olde fancy unit of measurement equivalent to about 3.472 miles), took an 11 minute shower and put on 11 items of clothing. At 11:00 I took a break for elevenses, what the British call their mid-morning tea and biscuit break. I never seem to have any biscuits on hand, so I had a bagel instead. I'm pretty sure it still counts. Later we got dessert from Phillips European, which was delicious x10^11. And I finished the last 11 pages of Kathy Griffin's memoir, Official Book Club Selection.

According to people who subscribe meaning to numbers and write about it on the internet, one is the number of new beginnings and eleven is the number of balance. I don't know anything about that but I have to admit I wouldn't mind if either of those things came my way.

Happy 11/11/11. Here's to new beginnings and finding balance amid the chaos.

Lyric of the moment: "But all of the stars in the darkness, give me a sign, a sign of love..."

Signs from the Universe

Yesterday I ran the East Ave Grocery Run. Objectively, my performance in this race wasn't terrible. I finished in 21:44 (73rd out of 832 and 2nd in my age group, though I didn't stick around to pick up the award). But I was in an awful mood. Lately, I don't feel like racing. I don't feel fast enough. And worst of all, I don't care. My heart just isn't in it. But the run must go on. So I showed up, I ran hard (my chest hurt again) and then I just wanted to get out of there as fast as I could. I went home, changed, went to the gym, did 45 minutes on the elliptical and felt a little better.

This morning I ran 8 miles on the canal with Chris. It was a beautiful sunny morning and just the kind of run I needed. Then at brunch later the chest pain came back and I got annoyed again.

It is what it is. I'd like to think that wherever I am, I am for a reason, that there's some lesson in everything that happens to me. I just have to keep going, working hard and trust that everything will work out eventually.

I went to a psychic for a tarot card reading. Mostly out of curiosity but also because I'm looking for something, some kind of sign maybe. The cards said a lot of things, some of which I really hope come true and a few that I hope are entirely wrong. She did say that the universe will give me whatever I want this year, I only have to ask for it. I feel like that's basically the story of my life. Once I decide what I want, it all falls into place somehow. It's figuring out what I want that's the hardest part.

Lyric of the moment: "When she was just a girl, she expected the world. But it flew away from her reach so she ran away in her sleep, and dreamed of para-para-paradise..."

Running in the moment

Yesterday I tried out the Yoga For Runners DVD I bought on Amazon (I end up with some pretty random things when trying to get my purchases up to $25 to qualify for free shipping). Listening to the narrator's voice, I thought this is what it must feel like to be on Valium. But her trance-like speech was strangely reassuring. Afterwards, I felt like I had gotten both a good stretch and a good nap. She kept saying the body knows what it can handle. My body knows it isn't cut out for yoga, but it will still amuse itself trying.

I started thinking maybe I could apply that idea to my running. I'm not training for any particular race or following any specific plan right now, which is freeing in a way but also leaves me feeling unproductive and a bit lost. I'm tired of feeling dissatisfied with myself, like no matter what I do, it isn't good enough. I don't want to be that girl anymore. She is annoying.

So I think I'm going to let my body run whatever it feels like running for the month of November. I will take it day by day and try to run "in the moment."

This morning I did an easy 3 miles in the morning (It's a little depressing to have to get up when it's still so dark out, but I like running in the dark sometimes because it makes me feel invisible and ninja-y), then did some 800's on the track after work (1 mile warm up, 3x800m at about 3:07 minutes each, with a 400m jog in between, 1 mile cool down). For today, that is enough.

Tomorrow, who knows. I'll figure it out when I get there.

Signs from the universe: I came across a Swedish proverb that says "Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it." And part of someone's self-written wedding vows that said "I promise to try to be ever open to you and above all, to do everything in my power to permit you to become the person you are yet to be." I want to go to there.

Lyric of the moment: "I feel wrong, I’m so human and flawed. I break down even though I’m still strong. And time will make fools of us all. Builds us up and then laughs when we fall..."