Inevitable freakout

I spent all day Saturday spectating and eating ice cream which, don't get me wrong, are two of the best things you can do with a Saturday. I love watching other people run almost as much as I love to run. But it was a rest day for me and I'm no good at rest. I know rest days are an important part of training and I'm trying to embrace them, I just haven't figured out what to do with all the wild energy that builds up inside me. And watching all the talented runners, many of whom I'm lucky enough to call friends, made me think I am not even close to being in the same league. What they're doing, that is running. I don't know what I've been doing, but it's more like endurance stumbling or foot wrestling with gravity.

Sunday morning I woke up restless and under a cloud of angst. I knew I needed a solo run to work it all out. I love running with other people. People are the best part of life. But sometimes I need some solo miles to reconnect with myself and to let go of the negative thoughts that are holding me back.

So I took myself on a solo adventure to Seneca Park. I ran 12 miles through the park to the pier, up the long hill on the Genesee River Trail and back to the park. I ran out all my restlessness. I let go of all my doubts and worries (well, most of them anyway. I don't think they will ever go away completely, but I am choosing to focus my attention elsewhere.) I thought about all the past versions of me that have run these trails, about how much I've grown and how far I've come. I smiled when I saw a woman walking the most adorable Shar Pei (and I thought about all the humans getting Botox and plastic surgery to get rid of their wrinkles while this dog is totally owning those wrinkles and just being who he is. I hope I have the same attitude when I get old and wrinkly.)

And I turned the What Ifs into So Whats.

What if I'm not training hard enough? What if I can't rise to the level of awesomeness required for upcoming adventures? What if I totally, epically fail at 0spf, at TransRockies, at the best relationship I've ever been in?

So what?

I can't control what life throws at me or what anyone else does or feels. All I can do is keep running, keep loving, keep being happy and having an awesome time. So I will embrace the challenges and let them teach me. I will do the best I can. I will turn worry into gratitude (after all, the only way to have nothing to lose is to have nothing. And who wants that?) And when I feel like giving up, I will give more. Because obstacles are just opportunities for optimal awesomeness and failures are just opportunities to find a better way forward. I have two legs and one heart and I want to get as much use out of them as I can.

Lyric of the moment: "You might put your love and trust on the line. It's risky, people love to tear that down. Let 'em try. Do it anyway. Risk it anyway. And if you're paralyzed by a voice in your head, it's the standing still that should be scaring you instead. Go on and do it anyway. Do it anyway..."